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The Upstairs/Downstairs Brain – Why kids have a hard time managing feelings and emotions.

laura on 17/06/2024

We have all had moments where we have felt overwhelmed and dysregulated. Swamped by big feelings and emotions, it can feel like they have control of our body, rather than the other way round. For children, this can be a particularly scary experience, and they can struggle to calm down. Teaching children about how their brains work is an important step in gaining mastery over our emotions. Knowledge is power!!

It can be helpful to think of your brain as like a house. There’s an “Upstairs” and “Downstairs” part.

Source: Image by Dan Siegel

https://www.facebook.com/drdansiegel/photos/when-looking-at-the-brain-from-bottom-to-top-imagine-your-brain-is-a-house-with-/10153612839872208/

The Downstairs part (Brainstem and Amygdala) looks after our basic survival functions. The Downstairs part is intact at birth. It is responsible for:

Regulating breathing and heart rate
Sensory processing
Sensing threat

The Upstairs Part (Prefrontal Cortex) is our “thinking brain”. Fun fact parents – it’s not fully developed until you’re about 25, so it’s under construction for most of childhood and adolescence and is shaped by experience. It’s responsible for:

Logic and reason
Problem solving
Making decisions and managing emotions

When we are calm, ready to learn, play and socialise with others, our Upstairs and Downstairs brains are communicating well. The Upstairs brain is in charge, and it can THINK before it ACTS.

But when we feel stressed, angry, or upset, our Upstairs and Downstairs brains stop communicating well. The Downstairs Brain REACTS before we THINK. When the Amygdala perceives threat, it activates a fight/flight/freeze response in the body (depending on the environment we are in and our temperament). Recent research suggests that we may utilise a fawn response as well (people pleasing). The Downstairs brain channels adrenaline, and makes us super strong, super fast and REACTIVE. This often leads children to meltdown or to become dysregulated, as they are overwhelmed by stress. In this state, it is very hard to think clearly, and it becomes the role of parents and teachers to help the child to regulate.

So, what can we do?

Recognising signs of stress early allows us to manage our feelings, utilise strategies and regulate our emotions. In therapy, children learn to identify their emotions and associated body symptoms and develop strategies to manage stress and anxiety. Having movement breaks or moments to recharge throughout the day, and utilising strategies, can help us with managing the build-up of stress in the body and increase our coping capacity for when we do have big feelings and emotions.
Sometimes, especially for younger children, it’s overwhelming when big feelings and emotions are triggered. If a child is dysregulated and highly stressed, the first goal is to regulate (calm heart rate and breathing, help the child to access the Upstairs Brain).
Parents and teachers can help by:
- Keeping calm and connect! Make eye contact, move down to their level, and use a soothing tone and body language to communicate empathy. Empathic statements that reflect how a child is feeling, and NAMING the emotions/feelings they are experiencing, can help to regulate the brain and move it from a REACTIVE to a REFLECTIVE state.
  - “I can see you’re feeling angry, it didn’t go the way you expected.”
  - “You’re really upset that your friends hurt your feelings.”
  - “You’re feeling scared at trying something new.”
- Redirecting to a calm space or activity to help soothe. A calm space such as a child’s bedroom or the trampoline can offer a space for the child to soothe and reduce sensory overwhelm. You can stay nearby and offer the child a chance to reconnect when they’re ready and feeling calmer.
- Setting safe limits to ensure everyone’s safety. Naming the feeling and setting limits on unsafe behaviour – offer viable alternatives to allow the child to express the emotion/feeling they are experiencing in a safe manner.
  - “I can see you’re mad, I won’t let you hit me. You can hit the beanbag, or the cushion.”

Remember: You can’t pour from an empty cup!

If you are feeling stressed or dysregulated yourself, it’s okay to take a moment to step away and allow yourself space to calm down. We cannot co-regulate a child if we don’t feel calm and regulated ourselves. We want to RESPOND calmly, rather than REACT. Parenting is hard work, and it’s important to be self-compassionate.

The Power of Repair:

And once a child is calm, there’s the opportunity for REPAIR and learning. We all make mistakes and have reactive moments, even as adults. Offering your child a chance to repair the relationship, strengthens your connection and helps model healthy communication. It also helps build self-esteem and reduce the shameful feelings associated when we feel we have “messed up”.

“Hey I was wondering about how you were upset yesterday. I wonder if you were feeling this way because…….. Sometimes I feel that way too. I wonder what we could do differently next time? I love you and we can work through this together.”

Further Resources:

Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson – The Whole Brain Child

https://drdansiegel.com/book/the-whole-brain-child/

Kids Want to Know – Why do we lose control of our emotions?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bKuoH8CkFc

‘If you would like to learn more about developing emotional regulation for children, or upskill as a parent in coregulation skills, our team are here to help! Call us now and take that first step towards a calmer family life.

This blog was written by Shivonne Cammell – Senior Accredited Mental Health Social Worker at YMM.

Shivonne completed her undergraduate degree in psychology and neuroscience at Monash University, followed by a Master of Social Work at University of Melbourne.

Shivonne specialises in utilising play therapy to help children recover from trauma and grief, develop resilience, enhance family relationships, and adjust to new social circumstances in positive ways. She also has experience working with adolescents and adults to address issues including anxiety, low mood and depression, low self esteem and interpersonal difficulties.

Shivonne is a warm and approachable clinician, who works from a strength-based approach incorporating methodologies including cognitive behavioural therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, interpersonal therapy, and relaxation and mindfulness strategies.

To learn more about Shivonne, check out the “Our Team” page on our website! https://yourmindmatters.net.au/our-team/

Dealing with marital separation and divorce

laura on 21/07/2021

The ‘D’ word…. It sure isn’t something that you would fathom when you decide to marry. Yet it happens so frequently. Many believe that marriage is forever and for some, it is quite stigmatising to end a committed relationship. It can be scary.

What will people think?

How will I rebuild?

Not only do you have to deal with the emotional pain, grief and anxiety, but then comes the challenges of financial separation, dealing with lawyers and when children are involved, family orders. All too quickly things can turn nasty, and the person who you thought you knew so well, soon seems like a stranger. And you may ask yourself, “how did I not see this?”. Unfortunately, divorce can bring out the worst in people.

Many may ask “what is the best way to deal with separation and divorce?” but there isn’t just ‘one’ answer or ‘one’ way to cope. Everyone is an individual, so people will find different ways to deal with the emotional turmoil that separation brings. Here are some tips that may help you to establish your own ‘survival guide’:

Take one day at a time. It’s difficult not to think ahead to the days, weeks, and months to come. Remain focused on one day at a time and ways to get through each day. It helps to plan out each day and schedule at least one activity to focus on. This may include exercise, engaging in an activity or hobby that you enjoy and any form of self-care.

Be informed. Speak to a family lawyer about the process involved in separation. It may help to bring a support person along as this process can be very overwhelming. If you have any friends who have been through a divorce, see if they have a lawyer they would recommend.

Be kind to yourself. You will have a lot to deal with in the initial stages, and this can include sorting your belongings, moving, selling your home and if you have children, deciding whom the children will live with initially whilst custody and visitation arrangements are being organised. I can’t stress enough just how vital it is to be kind to yourself during this difficult time. You are going through a lot and offering yourself some compassion during this process can be so beneficial. Kristin Neff has some great resources available on her website, which you may find helpful: https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/

Reach out to your supports. It helps to share with your support network how you are feeling and where you are at. If you find you are feeling too overwhelmed and don’t want to talk about the situation, be sure to communicate this to your support system. Often people will isolate themselves because they don’t want to talk – tell your friends and family what you need. Isolating yourself at this point can cause a lot more anxiety and grief.
Take some time off from work. Speak to your boss about what has happened and whether it is possible to take some time off. Often a couple of days to a week can help just to get your mind around what is happening. Some people find that they just want to immerse themselves in work. Whilst work can be a good distraction for some, it doesn’t work for everyone, and you may not be performing at your optimal level. Confiding in a trusted colleague can help, so that you have support within your workplace.

Avoid alcohol and drugs. It is totally understandable that you want to numb out the pain, escape, and have an emotional break from what is happening. However, alcohol and drugs aren’t the answer. It can be really easy to fall into a trap and develop a dependency, which can lead to other challenges down the track. Instead, it helps to focus on maintaining a healthy diet, drinking plenty of water, engaging in exercise and regular self-care.

Start a hobby. It’s useful to start a new hobby or reconnect with hobbies that you enjoyed in the past. All too often, one can feel like they lose a part of themselves through the process of separation and being able to find a way to focus on your interests can help.

Join a support group. There are plenty of support groups that can help with managing separation and divorce, this includes The Melbourne Divorce Support Group on meetups: https://www.meetup.com/en-AU/The-Melbourne-Divorce-Support-Group/

Reach out to counselling support lines. If you are feeling very low and are experiencing suicidal ideation, or just need to speak to someone that isn’t a family member or friend, there are counselling support lines that you can reach out to. This includes Lifeline Ph: 13 11 14, Beyond Blue Ph: 1300 224 636, and Suicide Call back Service Ph: 1300 659 467. Relationships Australia Ph: 1300 364 277 can also help to link you in with various support services.

Some days may seem dark, but I feel the saying “it’s always darkest before dawn” is so appropriate here. There will always be a light. Reconnect with yourself, your values and what truly matters. And above all, never lose hope.

This blog was written by Maria Kampantais, psychologist at Your Mind Matters Psychology Services. She works with us 4 days per week (day and evening sessions) and is passionate about working with clients suffering from various anxiety disorders.

How We Feel in Our Body and Intense Feelings

laura on 02/06/2020

Have you ever felt so angry that your stomach hurt and your head pounds? Well, I have. In a recent event, I felt disrespected and taken advantage of. My blood boiled, my anger arose, and disappointment set it. Sounds familiar?

I realised the physical sensations that I was experiencing were a reflection of the internal emotional turmoil I was going through. And because of that understanding, I was not worried that I was physically ill. I could focus my attention on my emotional wellbeing.

From my personal experience working with individuals across the lifespan, many do not fully understand the connections between our physical and emotional wellbeing. Most are likely aware to a certain degree that when we experience a high level of stress for an extended period of time, our immune system becomes compromised. However, not many have truly made the meaningful connections between our physical sensations and our feelings.

Paying attention to how our body feels will give us an indication of how we are feeling emotionally. For example, how many of you have felt the need to urinate before a performance/ presentation/ exam/ interview/ date? That is your body responding to your anxiety and nervousness.

Our anxiety/nervousness activates our stress response which then activates specific physiological changes to improve our body’s ability to manage a threat. One theory of this is, back in the olden days when humans relied on hunting to survive, our body would go into a fight or flight mode when in danger (e.g. facing a carnivore that views us as their next meal). When in flight or fight mode, our body increases our heart rate and makes us breath faster to ensure we are ready to either challenge our threat or run for safety. I was also taught that perhaps our body would then also try and get rid of any unwanted baggage and hence will signal you to get rid of anything unnecessary (in this case, urine and potentially faeces).

Our bodies sometimes pick up changes in our emotional wellbeing way before we are even aware of it. Hence, I make it a point to do a ‘body scan’ when I lie in bed at the end of each day. ‘Scanning’ my body from head to toe for any tension/tight sensations or anything that feels unnatural. I have learned over the years by doing the body scan that my jaw becomes shut tight and I bite on my teeth really hard sometime without realising it. But once I do pay attention to my body, I now have the chance to reflect on my day and understand how and why I was feeling a certain way. By becoming aware of the tightness in my jaw, I would then also have the opportunity to intentionally try and relax my body. When I release the tension in my jaw, I often feel an instant change in my levels of stress. My stress is still there but it is not as intense.

If you are reading this, I encourage you to spend some time paying attention to your body on a daily basis. You will be surprised at how much you will learn from understanding the connections between your physical sensations and your emotional state.

Lastly, I encourage you to not be afraid of intense and uncomfortable feelings such as anger, anxiety, fear, disappointment and sadness. Sit with it. Feel it. Allow your body to go through what it needs to go through to calm itself down.

You may find the following articles useful to begin your journey in learning how to sit with unpleasant feeling:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-sit-with-painful-emotions/

https://www.mindfulness.org.au/sitting-with-feelings

This blog was written by Dr Aiyuen (Shannon) Choong, Psychologist at Your Mind Matters. Aiyuen is fluent in English and Mandarin, and is passionate about working with children from preschool years through to adolescence.

To learn more about Aiyuen, click here.

Navigating the NDIS

laura on 13/12/2018

Are you new to the NDIS? Below we have answered some of the common questions asked by families.

Once I have my funding, what happens next?

First things first, you will need to have a good look at the details of your plan and then think about what therapies you would like to engage in (psychology, speech therapy, occupational therapy etc…). Next you will need to think about how much of each may be required over the span of your 12-month plan. This involves having a look at your plan and deciding roughly how much funding you may like to allocate to each therapy (this is not something you need to be exact about, but its good to have an idea – this way you don’t risk allocating too much to any one source and tying up your funds). If you are finding this tricky, have a chat with your therapist in the first session – we are here to help guide you. TIP: Don’t forget you can always allocate more funds to your therapy later down the track if more sessions are required.

How do I engage a therapist under my NDIS funding?

To engage with a therapist, you will require what is called a service agreement. This is a document outlining how many sessions you plan to fund under your NDIS plan, the cost of sessions and the kind of supports you would like to engage in (e.g. behavioural support, counselling). It will also outline the responsibilities of both the therapist and yourself, for example, the session cancellation policies. The details of the service agreement will be worked out with your therapist in the first session. As such, it is important to make sure you bring your NDIS plan along to this session.

Once the agreement is in place, a service booking will be created for your sessions. This requires a hold to be placed on the funds allocated to your therapy sessions, and ensures funds are not accidentally ‘double booked’ by being also allocated to another therapy or service.

What happens if we don’t end up using all the sessions allocated in the service agreement?

If you allocate funding for a number of sessions and then decide you do not require all of the sessions, the service booking can be cancelled with your request and the funds will be released back to into your plan.

Alternatively, if you find at the end of a service agreement that you require more sessions beyond those originally allocated, a new service agreement can be drawn up at any time (provided you have funding available). There is no limit to the amount of service agreements that can be undertaken over a 12-month period – as long as you have the funding to continue sessions.

What happens at the end of the 12- month plan?

One of the great benefits of the new NDIS funding system is that there are no limitations on the number of therapy sessions that can be accessed per year (unlike Medicare), provided you have funding available. This gives you plenty of choice and freedom in how you allocate funds and access supports, allowing you to tailor the use of funds to your specific needs.

At the end of a 12-month period, the NDIS will hold a plan review designed to assess your funding requirements for the following year. This generally requires all of your therapists to provide a report to support your request for funding, so you may want to consider adding 1-2 hours of additional funding to your service agreement if you wish to have this provided for you (this can be discussed with your therapist). It can be beneficial to take along as much supporting information as possible to your plan review, to ensure that you are in the best position to accurately represent your needs for the following year.

The NDIS process may seem challenging at first, but don’t forget that your therapist is always here to support and guide you through. So, bring your questions along with you to sessions and we can help you navigate the NDIS journey!

Still have questions? Visit the NDIS website for further details or to start the process of registering for funding.

This blog was written by Jasmine Silberbauer, Provisional Psychologist at Your Mind Matters.

Jasmine has worked with children and their families for several years and is our in-house NDIS-guru. Jasmine provides support to clients funded under NDIS services, including early intervention and Applied Behaviour Analysis, and also conducts assessments.

Please note that Your Mind Matters is a registered provider with NDIS 🙂

Jasmine works with us 2 days per week.

Overcoming Procrastination

laura on 30/07/2018

Procrastination is the term used to define the act of avoiding or putting something off. We can all relate to holding off on doing something. Putting a task off occasionally is not so much a problem, as when we begin to do this on a regular basis. For example, putting off your washing for a day or two isn’t likely to interfere significantly with your life, however when this is delayed for over a few weeks, this can be problematic. What can be challenging is breaking free of the procrastination cycle. There are many reasons why we procrastinate; the task may seem too overwhelming, boring or unpleasant. When we delay completing tasks, in the short-term we may feel relief, however in the long-term it may lead to feelings of shame, guilt or increased anxiety.

Tips for managing procrastination:

Notice your excuses or reasons for procrastinating. Does the task seem too big, time consuming or maybe you don’t have all the tools you need to complete it? Write down a list of reasons for putting off the task, and next to each write down a pro and con. If there are certain things you need to put in place first, also write these down along with a strategy you could implement to achieve this. This can help you to sift through the barriers to completing the task and assist you to come up with some solutions. Try working on aspects of the task that you already have the tools for first.
Set SMART goals. SMART goals are those that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timely. When setting goals, it helps to know exactly what it is that you want to achieve and be able to measure that you are achieving this goal. For example, say you wanted to sort through your clothes and potentially update your wardrobe. Instead of titling the goal as ‘To sort my clothes’, try setting a SMART goal such as ‘To sort one drawer per day, for the next week’. This is a SMART goal because it is specific (sort one drawer per day), measurable (each day you can measure that you have sorted one drawer), achievable and realistic (as this is something you are likely to be able to achieve and is realistic given the task) and timely (you have set the time limit of one week).
Use lists. Write a list of the things that need to be accomplished, then prioritise the items on the list from most to least important, for example use a 1 – 10 numbering system. Then compose a list for each day, trying to keep the number of items to a minimum. Looking at a lengthy list of things to do can be overwhelming. As you complete each task, tick it off, this helps you see what you accomplished each day.
Build momentum. Prior to starting the task you have been delaying, try to build momentum by engaging in an enjoyable activity first and then moving straight onto the task you have been putting off. For example, read a chapter of your favourite book or scroll through social media. Make sure to set a time limit for the enjoyable activity such as 10-15 minutes, and try set an alarm so that you don’t get caught in the cycle of procrastination.
Pick the right time and space. Is there a time of day in which you feel most productive? Arrange to complete the task at the time of day when you are feeling most rested and energised. Consider if there is a place where you are the most productive. This may be at home, in a specific room or even outside. For assignments, consider visiting the local library for a change of environment.
Minimise distractions. Think about ways in which you procrastinate. Do you watch television or scroll through your Facebook news feed? Try and reduce the likelihood of distractions. This may include turning off your mobile phone, iPad/tablet, computer and/or television.
Just five-minutes approach. Plan to spend five minutes completing the task you have been postponing. Once you have spent five minutes, evaluate how you are feeling and if you can spend another five minutes, keep working on the task. Otherwise you can always move on to something else. Usually getting started is the hardest, so when you spend a little time working on something you can build the momentum to keep going.
Stick to time limits. Decide on a specific time to spend on a task, for example 20 minutes, and just do that. If you know that you will expect yourself to do more once the time is up, that may stop you from getting started in the first place.
Worst-first approach. Often, we have a few things we need to get done. Try to complete the task you find most daunting first and get it out of the way.
Use a schedule, diary or planner. Schedule in times to complete tasks throughout the week. Make sure to give yourself breaks and not plan too much in the same day.
Break tasks into smaller more manageable components. This can be particularly helpful with bigger jobs that are time consuming. For example, if you have an assignment you need to complete break this down into small steps. Firstly, you could plan to research articles or resources for the assignment, next you could organise a time to read through your research, write dot points about the research and then plan to start the body of the assignment, followed by the conclusion and introduction.
Use reminders to trigger your memory that something needs to be done. This can be either on your phone (alerts), notes/post-its on the fridge or other places you will be likely to see the reminders.
Remember and do. When you remember you forgot to do a task, get started on it immediately or write a note for yourself as soon as you remember so you don’t forget to complete the task. This technique can work well for scheduling appointments.
Rather than using enjoyable activities to procrastinate about completing a task, use these as rewards. Reward yourself when you have done what you planned to do. For example, you could surf the internet, play your favourite video game, call a friend, or watch some television.
Seek help or support from others. Ask assistance from others (e.g. family or friends) if you get stuck. Even telling another person that you are planning to work on something you have been postponing can help you to become more accountable.
Monitor your self-talk. Notice what you are saying to yourself about the task at hand. Our self-talk can at times act as a road block to getting things done, especially when the thoughts are unhelpful. Look out for “I can’t…” and “I should…” self-talk and try to turn this into something more helpful such as “I choose to…”.

Be patient with yourself. It takes time to overcome the habit of procrastination. Once you have identified which strategies work best for you, attempt to implement them as often as possible. Congratulate yourself on the small gains, as those achievements, however small, add up to big gains in the long run.

If you’d like to read more on ways to manage procrastination, we recommend this book: Eat That Frog 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time.

If you would like some support with overcoming procrastination, why not give us a call today? Our team of highly skilled and well-experienced Psychologists are here to help.