Grief, loss & adjustment Archives

How to Talk about Death With Adults and Children

laura on 14/06/2022

Have you ever felt at a loss for words when you heard about a death?
Have you ever felt out of your depth when trying to help a child deal with the death of a loved one or someone they knew?
Do you ever find yourself changing the conversation, walking out of the room, or just feeling uncomfortable if anyone is talking about death or dying?

Death is the one certainty in life; yet, the topic of death continues to be taboo in most societies. Every single person, at varying ages, will be confronted with death – death of a pet, grandparent, parent, sibling, teacher, co-worker, friend, and sometimes, a child. So, why are so many of us apprehensive to talk about death or feel so ill-prepared to deal with our grief or the grief of someone we care about?

Research shows that our concept of death influences our attitudes about death which either assists or hinders our coping with grief and loss (Neimeyer, Moser, & Wittkowski, 2003). In other words, our understanding about what happens to our existence (e.g., our body or our soul) when we die will influence our attitudes towards death – if we think death is good, bad, irrelevant, scary, peaceful, etc. If a person thinks that death is the cessation of all consciousness, the end of the line, or the final destination, they may fear death or feel regret for unresolved conflicts. They might feel intense sadness, emptiness, and loneliness after the death of a loved one. On the other hand, if a person thinks death is the changing of consciousness, or a partial loss of consciousness (e.g., not physically present, but being present in other ways like in the hearts and memories of loved ones or being spiritually present), then they may accept death as part of the natural cycle of life. They might also feel sad as well as relieved, or even happy, that their loved one has gone to another place or is still with them in some way. Death anxiety (fear of death) and death acceptance (making peace with the idea that all things that live must die) are influenced by our understandings of and attitudes toward death.

The development of our death concept (our understanding of death) begins in childhood, usually around 5 years of age. Between the ages of 5 and 11 years, children often go through four different developmental stages in their understanding of death (Speece & Brent, 1984). The first stage is understanding the irreversibility of death. In other words, death is permanent – when people die, they cannot become “undead”. Usually around the same time, children begin to accept the non-functionality of death. In other words, once someone dies, their body ceases to be functional. They cannot hear or see us. Between the ages of 7-10 years old, children begin to accept the universality of death. All things that live must die. The final stage of understanding death, usually by 11 years of age, is accepting the causality of death. People die for a reason (e.g., their organs stop working, they get hit by a car, they have a disease that impedes the body’s ability to function). More recent research about the development of death concepts also suggests a fifth developmental stage called noncorporeal continuation (Cox, Garrett, & Graham, 2005; Speece & Brent, 1996). This is the idea that there might be more than just two stages of existence (alive and dead); but rather, that some element of a person’s existence continues beyond the physical death (e.g., reincarnation or the afterlife, often influenced by religious or spiritual beliefs).

One of the best ways to cope with grief and loss is to talk about death openly. Think about and discuss our understandings of death. What is our death concept? How has it evolved since childhood? What do our children, parents, or friends think about death? Talking about death does not expedite its arrival, but it does help us prepare for the inevitability of death in our lives. Children have a natural curiosity about death. Sometimes that curiosity changes into fear – fear of the death of a loved one or of their own death. This, too, is a natural part of development. But remember, death anxiety and death acceptance is shaped by our attitudes about death. We need to understand our own attitudes about death to help our children develop their own.

Tips for talking to children about death

Be open on honest
Talk about death before it happens in your family.
“Start from a place of shared truth and being led by the child as much as you can.”
Keep your language clear, don’t use euphemisms like “they passed away”
Let your children lead the conversations; ask them what they think has happened, rather than bombarding them with information
Show your children it’s OK to be sad
Kids can’t sit with “big feelings” for too long, so plan a fun activity for after your talk
Keep memories alive — make a scrapbook about someone who died, visit their favourite place or cook a recipe they loved

https://www.abc.net.au/life/play-school-teaching-kids-about-death-and-grief/11391804

If you, or someone you know is struggling with a death or the dying process, give us a ring at Your Mind Matters. We’re here to help.

References

Bonoti, F., Leondari, A., & Mastora, A. (2013). Exploring children’s understanding of

death: through drawings and the death concept questionnaire. Death Studies, 37(1), 47-60.

Cox, M., Garrett, E., & Graham, J. A. (2005). Death in Disney films: Implications for children’s

understanding of death. Omega-Journal of Death and Dying, 50(4), 267-280.

Neimeyer, Moser, R. P., & Wittkowski, J. (2003). Assessing attitudes toward dying and

death: Psychometric considerations. Omega-Journal of Death and Dying, 47(1), 45-76.

Speece, M. W., & Brent, S. B. (1984). Children’s understanding of death: a review of

three components of a death concept. Child Development, 55(5), 1671-1686. doi:10.2307/1129915

Managing Grief and Loss

laura on 22/01/2021

Grief, in general, is a response to loss. Grief can occur after a death, divorce, sickness or other significant loss such as a miscarriage or changes to one’s employment status.

Grief often involves intense sadness, and sometimes feelings of shock, numbness or even denial and anger. Nonetheless, how people experience and manage grief can differ from person to person. It has no set pattern. Some people like to be expressive and public with their emotions, while others like to keep grief private.

Grief is also a process or journey that affects individuals differently. For some, it can be exhausting and emotionally draining, making it hard to do simple things or even leave the house, while others cope by becoming more active.

For most people, healing occurs with time. They may always carry sadness and miss the person who has died, but are able to find meaning and experience pleasure again. Some people even find new wisdom and strength after experiences of loss.

I have personally found the following strategies of coping with grief to be helpful:

Allowing yourself to grieve – Give yourself the time and space to experience your emotions. Cry if you need to. Exploring and expressing emotions can be part of your healing process.

Staying connected – Surrounding yourself with friends and family who are able to support you emotionally and functionally (help get some groceries, walk your dog etc).

Remember the positive memories – Think of the moments you enjoyed with the person. Go through pictures or have an object belonging to the individual close to you. Write a letter or journal.

Keep a daily routine – While you allow yourself to grieve, also ensure you take care of yourself by going out for short walks and eating healthy food. You will be surprised that simple things such as making your bed in the morning or grooming your hair can also have a positive impact on your day.

While some are able to process grief and loss without professional help, others may need an extra helping hand. If you present with the following symptoms, it may be time for you to seek help:

appetite changes (loss of appetite or overeating)
intense sadness
difficulty sleeping
feelings of emptiness or feelings of despair
thoughts of harming yourself

Our dedicated and experienced team at Your Mind Matters can help you. You do not need to go through this alone. Please do not hesitate to contact us at 03 9802 4654 should you wish to discuss your options.

This blog was written by Dr Aiyuen (Shannon) Choong, Psychologist at Your Mind Matters. Aiyuen is fluent in English and Mandarin, and is passionate about working with children from preschool years through to adolescence.

To learn more about Aiyuen, click here.

Adapting to Change

laura on 03/11/2020

The one constant thing in our lives is change, as it is constant and inevitable. Change can come into our lives as a result of a crisis, as a result of choice or just by chance. In either situation, we are all faced with having to make a choice.

The reality is we cannot avoid the unexpected events or crisis in our lives as it is these events that challenge us and pave a pathway for us to step out of our comfort zone. If we ignore or hide away from the challenge of change, we potentially deny ourselves the opportunity to learn and grow.

Our resilience in life can only grow stronger when we embrace change and manage these challenges in a positive way, rather than ignore the opportunities that change can bring to our lives. Below are some strategies that can assist with adapting to change:

Work on changing your mindset

We tend to like living our lives in our comfort zone because it is a known zone and embracing change is like stepping into the unknown, and hence why our brain consciously resists it. There is no escaping the fact that change is a disruptor and it feels uncomfortable and scary. However, it is our power of choice that enables us to activate positive change in our lives. So, make the choice by changing your mindset.

Focus on your values

Reminding ourselves of what’s important to us, such as family, friends, religious beliefs, scientific achievement, great music, creative expression, can create a surprisingly powerful buffer against whatever troubles may be ailing us. Knowing what is important in your life gives you purpose and sets the direction of how you want to live your life. With a sense of purpose and meaning in life, you have clarity and focus and both these elements are essential to you being able to successfully adapt and manage the impact of change in your life.

Avoid holding on to regrets and look for opportunities in change

Regrets have a huge impact on how you respond to change and they hold you back in life. Letting go of your regrets is key to you being able to move forward in life. You cannot change what you did or did not do in the past so let it go. The only control you have now is to choose to live in your present and future life. Change is the only thing that presents opportunities in life, so if you are open to opportunities then you are open to change.

Live a balanced healthy life

Living a balanced and healthy active life builds our resilience and ability to successfully manage the disruption that change can have on our lives. Finding positive ways to deal with the stress and pressure that we face daily is key to our survival on both a physical and emotional level.

Remember it’s good to reach out for support

You can learn from other people on how they survived change and transition. They can see it more objectively than you can. Talking to others will give you peace in the fact that you are not alone and give you the strength and courage to embrace change.

If you are going through difficulties and need to find your inner strength, why not give us a call today? Our team of highly skilled and well-experienced Psychologists are here to help.

This blog was written by Aanchal Sood, Psychologist at Your Mind Matters.

Aanchal completed studies in psychopharmacology and psychology in England, and is fluent in both Hindi and Punjabi.

Aanchal has experience assisting adolescents, adults and couples to address a variety of difficulties including anxiety and mood disorders, grief and loss, trauma and stress related disorders, adjustment issues (e.g. cultural adjustment), sleep difficulties, relationship difficulties, schizophrenia spectrum and other psychotic disorders, obsessive compulsive and related disorders.

Aanchal works with us 1-2 evenings per week.

Are you trying to cope with a loss?

laura on 19/06/2020

Grief is a natural response when facing a life limiting illness and the death of someone you love. Each person experiences grief in their own way. It can change from day to day and over time. There is no right or wrong way of coping with grief.

Grief can feel overwhelming, and at specific times of the year can become a daunting experience. When faced with grief, the most important thing to remember is that you are not alone as normalisation tends to contribute to strength to cope with any loss.

Things you may experience when coping with a loss:

Have strong feelings – such as shock, anger, sadness, anxiety, panic, etc;
Feel confused or have difficulty thinking;
Find it hard to understand or accept the situation;
Persistent worry about what will happen or have strange dreams;
Feel lethargic or tired, lose appetite, find it hard to sleep or feel unwell.

These are normal responses to grief and loss. Your experience of grief will change as you learn to live with your loss. This may take a few or many months, depending on each individual. It is crucial to embrace your own experience of loss as no two individuals are alike.

Things that will help you cope with a loss:

It is essential that you take care of yourself, even as you deal with grief. When coping with grief many people become busy looking after others and consequently neglect to address grief symptoms in themselves. Some strategies include:

Take time to reflect on what has happened;
Use journaling to help you move through emotions. If you are feeling anxious, it may help to write down your thoughts;
Find a good listener and talk about the person you have lost and how they contributed to your life;
It’s best not to expect too much of yourself and avoid making big decisions too soon. Be good to yourself physically and emotionally. Use exercise to combat negative emotions. Exercise is an excellent self-care antidote to any negative emotions that may arise;
To counter the feelings of loneliness you might like to consider joining a local support group for the bereaved. This is a self-care activity that may help you to re-engage with the community. Making connections with like-minded people can be a source of comfort and strength;
Do things you enjoy, even if you don’t feel like doing them;
Meditation can be a supportive self-care activity to help counter grief-related depression. If you would like to try meditation, the Smiling Mind website provides free meditations for adults and children.

More and more people readily access therapy and discuss mental health. Seeking help at the right time can make the process of coping with a loss much easier.

If you are going through difficulties and need support, why not give us a call today? Our team of highly skilled and well-experienced Psychologists are here to help.

This blog was written by Aanchal Sood, Psychologist at Your Mind Matters.

Aanchal completed studies in psychopharmacology and psychology in England, and is fluent in both Hindi and Punjabi.

Aanchal works with us 1-2 evenings per week.

Dealing with a life changing diagnosis: Providing support or being a carer

laura on 18/05/2020

Learning that someone close to you has a potentially life impacting diagnosis, is a difficult experience. You may feel anxious, afraid or overwhelmed by your own emotions and wonder how you can help them during the times ahead. You may experience a sense of disbelief, denial and also a sense of grief. If you take on the role of caring for someone undertaking treatment, you may also need to adjust to new responsibilities and pressures.

Whilst receiving such a diagnosis is devastating, being the family member or friend providing support is also extremely taxing and confronting. You might want to talk to them about it, but struggle to find the right words or worry about saying the wrong thing. You are also likely to be struggling, however feeling the need to hide these feelings for fear of burdening. It is perfectly normal to feel lost for words, regardless of how close you are with the person. Your responses would very much depend on your relationship and your personal experiences and whilst there is no script, there are some things that would be worthwhile considering.

Everyone’s experiences are unique and even if you have faced significant obstacles in the past, it is not possible to fully grasp what the person is going through. So being empathic and assisting the person in exploring the facets of their own experience, is one of the most essential things to consider.
– The person may be overwhelmed with a flood of emotions, when facing an uncertain future. Even with many supports around them, the person may feel isolated.
-The person may be in denial, attempting to self-blame or find explanations for what has happened.
– The person may be dealing with the physical effects of having treatment. Their sense of independence may change and impact on both them and also others.
– The person may need to reconsider their goals, priorities or financial plans and may be dealing with changes to employment or general functioning.

There are many ways to provide support and these will vary depending on your relationship, your own situation and also your own ability to cope with the situation. Some avenues of support may include:
Simply checking in with the person on a regular basis and really tuning in to their responses. Take the time to really listen and respond. Often, people are not after advice but need an attentive and caring listener. If the person wants to confide about what they are going through, give them time to speak, be genuine and try not to probe or interrupt.

Keeping normality is vitally important. Continue inviting the person to the usual social events and involving them as much as possible. Always provide the option of declining or even last minute cancellations without judgment. Try not to alter your interaction style or physical behaviours. Jokes and hugs, if they were the previous norm continue to be valuable. It’s also good to talk about other everyday things too as distraction is vitally important.

Practical help, especially specific rather than vague offers of help may also be well received. Preparing a meal, helping out with cleaning and offers to be a support person at appointments are all things to consider especially for a person who may have difficulty asking for help.

Whilst providing false expectations and drawing comparisons to previous cases is not helpful, positivity and hope can be a coping strategy that aids adjustment and adaptation. A positive frame of mind can make a person feel a sense of optimism and confidence and improve resilience. As a support person, the role is not to obstruct the gravity of the situation, but to support the person to gradually adjust to the diagnosis, let go of what was or what might have been, and accept what is.

Whilst striving to provide all of the above supports, one is often confronted with their own sense of grief, fear and hopelessness. Feeling like everything has changed and may never get back to normal can evoke feelings of anticipatory grief, which is a feeling of uncertainty and fear about what the future holds. This breaks our own sense of safety. Being a support person, in any context, but especially when dealing with a significant illness is a distressing and an emotionally and mentally draining role.

Family and friends are a great resource for support, but sometimes things can seem so overwhelming even for them, especially if they are dealing with similar emotions. In those cases, seeking professional advice and support from a trained psychologist can assist people and their families to work through their feelings.

If you or someone you know are going through difficulties and need support, why not give us a call today? Our team of highly skilled and well-experienced Psychologists are here to help.

References:
J. Bruce, E. Pelosi (2017). Caring for Someone with Cancer. Cancer Council
E. Heuberk (2007). 6 Ways to conquer a scary diagnosis. WebMD.com

This blog was written by Lana Lubomirska, Psychologist at Your Mind Matters.

Lana is a warm, friendly and empathic practitioner with experience in working with children, adolescents and adults from different cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds.

Lana uses a variety of evidence-based therapies to support clients in addressing difficulties with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, friendship problems and educational stresses. These include Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, Motivational Interviewing, Solution Focused Therapy and Mindfulness Techniques as well as elements of psychodynamic and play therapies.

Lana works with us 2 evenings per week.

What Now? Life after a formal diagnosis of Autism

laura on 14/11/2019

For some families, having a diagnosis that explains their child’s speech, behavioural and emotional issues is a relief. However, for others, it may be a complete shock and a rather challenging issue to come to terms with.

From a psychologist’s point of view (for me at least), a diagnosis is actually a positive turning point for children with Autism. It provides those who interact and/or educate the child with a better understanding of the child’s presenting issues. It gives these adults a clearer framework in which they can effectively communicate and teach the child. A formal diagnosis also opens up avenues to government funding for intervention that will ensure the child receives the support he/she needs to thrive with the condition they have.

Nonetheless, I can also understand how in certain cultures and societies a diagnosis of Autism is shunned upon. For families coming from cultural groups who are not familiar with Autism, the diagnosis is often related to feelings of ‘shame’, ‘embarrassment’, ‘disgrace’ or is seen to be equivalent or at least feel as if it is a ‘death sentence’ to the child’s future.

A diagnosis does not change who the child is and how they behave. All a diagnosis does is provide (or attempts to do so) an explanation for why the child may be presenting with the difficulties and differences that they do.

The following is some advice I found to really resonate with some of the parents I work with and I hope those reading this blog may find it beneficial in their journey with Autism.

Give yourself time to read, research and ask questions. Avoid jumping to conclusions and do not make assumptions. Don’t let the diagnosis intimidate you.

Remember the sweet child you love. The diagnosis DID NOT change who they are. The challenges you and your child are facing now may one day pass. With intervention, there is a real possibility that you may overcome the difficulties you experience.

It is not your fault! There is nothing you could have done differently to prevent Autism.

Don’t let people who haven’t got a clue about Autism cause you to feel humiliated and ashamed.

Do not isolate yourself or your child because of Autism. Reach out for help. While it is true that some of your friends may stop socialising with you because they do not understand the meltdowns, the necessity for routine and structure, there are also many parents who have similar experiences. Parent support groups or online groups can be helpful.

Remember to take a step back and breathe. Don’t lose your sense of humour. You can dwell on all the ‘what-ifs’ and the ‘should-haves’ or you can work towards acceptance of the situation and look for the joyous moments around you. The truth is, whether a child has Autism or not, kids are kids, and kids have and are fun! Kids say and do the funniest things, so try to enjoy these moments.

For the full article of the do’s and dont’s after an Autism diagnosis, read the following article: https://www.autismspeaks.org/blog/dos-and-donts-after-autism-diagnosis

To learn more about Aiyuen, click here.