Relationships Archives - Your Mind Matters

Couples conflict: Why do we keep hurting each other and fighting about the same thing?

laura on 25/02/2023

Conflict is a natural and unavoidable part of intimate relationships. Conflict often has a functional purpose and can actually provide opportunities for deeper connection and understanding. All relationships, even the most successful ones, have conflict. Gottman & Gottman’s longitudinal research on couples found that approximately 31% of couple conflict is solvable whilst 69% of disagreement in all relationships are associated with unresolvable perpetual problems. Perpetual problems are usually linked to 1) primary differences in personalities that repeatedly create conflict 2) primary differences in important lifestyle needs that are fundamental to identity as a person.

Examples of Perpetual Problems:

Differences in handling finances e.g.: one person has a philosophy of living in the now whilst the other is more conservative and wants to save for the future.
Differences in punctuality e.g.: one person is always late whilst the other likes to be on time.
Differences in organization and neatness e.g.: one person likes to keep an ordered clean house, the other is messy and disorganized.
Differences in how to raise and discipline children e.g.: one person is stricter and believes in consequences more than the other.
Differences in importance of social networks/people oriented e.g.: one person enjoys going out and is more gregarious or extraverted than the other.
Differences in independence e.g.: one person feels a greater need to be independent than the other.
Differences in sexual frequency e.g.: one person wants sex more than the other.

How can we manage conflict better?

Research by Gottman & Gottman highlights that it is not the presence of conflict itself that is important, but how couples manage conflict through dialogue that predicts success or failure of a relationship. What we know by the research is that good relationships are characterized by respectful, “softened” dialogue, accepting influence, de-escalation of negativity, and bids for connection/repair attempts when things are good and also around these perpetual problems. What matters is not solving the problem but rather the affect when discussing the problem, acceptance of the partner, understanding what lies beneath, humour, and a desire to improve or actively cope with this perpetual problem. Importantly a positive effect and a ratio of positive to negative interaction during conflict being at or greater than 5 :1 was found to be important for relationships to be stable. Unfortunately, dysfunctional relationships may engage in conflict managing styles that insist on sides/winning. This is when the problem becomes gridlocked and we may experience feelings of hurt, sadness and loneliness. These painful exchanges often involve the four horsemen.

The Four Horsemen and their antidotes

Criticism

Do you sometimes attack your partner’s character? Sometimes we even “kitchen sink” the conversation whereby we pile another dirty dish of criticism into the conversation which adds to the negativity. Criticism involves blame and often starts with “You”. Using gentle start ups that involve “I” statements associated with what we feel (what emotion lies beneath this criticism?) and need is a way of still expressing our concerns, but without blame.

Example: Criticism – “Oh my god! You keep coming home so late. You are so selfish and inconsiderate”.

Antidote (gentle start up and stating positive need) – “ I feel so worried and stressed when you are home late. I love you and need you to let me know that you will be late”.

Contempt

Do you sometimes move to name calling, sarcasm, head shaking, mockery or eye rolling? Contempt is when we think we are morally superior and look down upon someone. Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce. Building a culture of appreciation, respect, admiration, gratitude and affection in your relationship will help stop this negativity seeping into your relationship. Small positive interactions everyday help ward off contempt. Expressing understanding rather than contemptuous statements is important.

Example: Contempt – “You forgot to hang out the washing again this morning. Oh, congratulations baby! You are gold medal lazy” (says with eye roll)

Antidote (appreciation) – “I know and understand how busy with work you have been. I’d really appreciate it if you could remember to hang the washing before you leave”.

Defensiveness

Do you sometimes offer reasoning or even switch to blaming your partner rather than taking responsibility for your behaviour? Defensiveness is really about suggesting the problem isn’t you but them. It is a kind of self-righteousness and can also present as being the victim. By taking responsibility (for even some small part) we can manage this horseman and de-escalate things.

Example: Defensiveness – “ It’s not my fault I didn’t pick up takeaway on the way home even though I promised this morning. I’m busy! Get over it! Why didn’t you just do it!

Antidote (responsibility) – “Oh gosh, I am sorry I forgot the takeaway I promised to pick up. I should have actually asked you to grab it for us, because I knew I was going to be so busy at work. Sorry, that’s my fault. Let me call them now and order for us”.

Stonewalling

Do you sometimes shut down and walk away from a conflict? Stonewalling is often in response to our feelings of being overwhelmed or emotionally flooded. Diffuse physiological arousal can occur whereby heart beat increases, stress hormones are released and the fight or flight response is activated. Time out (approximately 15-20minutes) to self soothe (e.g.: deep breathing, listen to music) yet returning to your partner is the antidote.

Example: Stone walling – “You keep carrying on. There you go, over and over. Pathetic. There’s no point. I’ve had enough” (turns back on partner and leaves partner)

Antidote (self soothe) – “We aren’t getting anywhere on this at the moment and I’m sorry but I’m feeling really overwhelmed. Can I have a 20minute break and then come back to talk when I am calmer?”.

Image source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Help and support is available for couples at Your Mind Matters (YMM)!

If you are tired of getting into upsetting arguments with your partner and want some help learning to communicate without things getting gridlocked, why not call us today? Couples therapy at Your Mind Matters aims to help teach specific tools to enhance friendship, manage conflict, create shared meaning and in turn deepen intimacy in your relationship. We will work together in helping you identify your relationships strengths, its wounds, and ways to gently navigate the vulnerabilities.

Our team of highly skilled professionals are here to help. Call us now and take the first step in enriching your relationship and living a more fulfilled life.

References

Gottman J.M & Schwartz Gottman J, (2000-2016) Level 1 and 2 Clinical Training Manuals: Gottman Method Couples Therapy.

This blog was written by Karen Dreher – Counsellor at YMM.

Karen is a member of The Australian Counselling Association (ACA). She has completed a Masters of Counselling, a Graduate Diploma in Psychology, and additional training in Gottman (couples) Therapy.

Karen is a person-centred counsellor who values the diversity of human narrative and her client’s own personal meanings, experiences and feelings. She has a particular interest in working with couples. Karen provides a warm, empathetic, authentic space that supports clients in engaging in their own self-understanding and healthy well-being.

To learn more about Karen, check out the “Our Team” page on our website! https://yourmindmatters.net.au/our-team/

Moving on from Parentification

laura on 08/04/2022

Do you identify with any of the following?

Feel overly responsible for the emotional needs of others
Insecure about depending on others
Guilty in the face of attempting to prioritise your own needs
Struggle with drawing boundaries
Often feel like you are not doing enough for others

If you endorsed any of the above, could you have been a parentified child?

“Parentification” is the outcome of a role reversal, wherein a child finds themselves obliged to act as a parent to their own parent or siblings. Rather than the parent responding to the child’s emotional needs, the child feels compelled to take on the role of meeting the parent’s emotional needs. Consequently, the child becomes highly attuned to any changes in the parent’s mood. This can occur due to a variety of different situations, for example, in the face of divorce, where a parent turns to the child for ‘emotional unloading’, the child quickly becomes an ear for the parent’s distress, perhaps acting as an advisor or mediator. Basically, the parent inappropriately turns to their child to meet his or her own needs for affection, approval, reassurance, stability or control….

What a hefty burden for a child to bear, at any age! Often this results in the child maturing quickly and taking on the role of an adult way too early! Most of the time, in parentification there is no malicious intent, the parents love their child but with limited capacity and are driven by personal vulnerabilities.

As adults, these children would likely endorse the above questions. Whether aware of this process or not, they may refer to their parent as their “best friend”, “lifeline”, or “confidant”, however, often report feeling empty, smothered, and struggle with their sense of self-identity. While the personal impacts of parentification can be distressing, the role of caretaker can also provide a sense of control, certainty, and safety. It is often not until these adults reach a point of utter burn-out that the impacts of this role are considered.

So perhaps you have identified some of these themes in yourself and your relationship with a parent. If you have, a sense of anger and loss is completely understandable. If you are interested in starting your journey toward healing from parentification the below tips may be a good starting point:

Own/tell your story: As part of reclaiming elements of your lost childhood, that inner child needs to tell their story. Acknowledging your truth is the first step that will likely allow room for justified feelings of grief and anger. Therapy provides a non-judgemental safe space for your truth to be heard.
Prioritise your own needs: Often a deprivation of joy and play can accompany a parentified history. The good news is that you can become your own parent to your inner child and allow them to play, make a mess, and soak up the things that make their heart glad. It may take some time for you to connect with your needs so take it slow, it might be that you start off with prioritising some time for a hobby or activity that you don’t often get around to.
Self-compassion: Guilt is an emotion that is frequently felt by the parentified child and often this guilt does not fit the facts. Typically, the automatic default is to assume that things are their fault with the inner critic pushing them to do more for others. It’s time to extend yourself a kind hand and cultivate self-compassion.
Thank the inner critic: The inner critic that berates you with the “do more” and the “fix it” story formed as a coping mechanism in times of distress. Instead of leaning into the critic with contempt, it may be helpful to recognise the critic for their help but remind them that you have got it from here!

As with healing from any form of trauma, this will take time. Tread softly with yourself, nurture your needs, you deserve to! Psychotherapy can also provide a space for you to practice these skills and help you process your feelings along the way. Our team of psychologists are here to help.

References:

Interpersonal Process in Therapy: An Integrative Model- Book by Edward Teyber

https://doctorlib.info/psychiatry/breaking-negative-thinking-patterns/3.html

https://eggshelltherapy.com/parentification/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/living-emotional-intensity/201912/did-you-have-grow-too-soon

This blog was written by Blair Raatjes, Psychologist at Your Mind Matters Psychology Services. She works with us 2 days per week.

Blair understands that seeking psychological help for the first time can be a nerve wracking experience for clients, therefore, she is committed to providing a warm, accepting and compassionate environment. She believes that collaboration, empathetic understanding, and respect are essential components to therapy and is interested in evidence-based approaches that emphasise the importance of catering to each client’s needs and strengths. Blair has experience using key therapeutic techniques, including Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and Motivational Interviewing and has a keen interest in Mindfulness based techniques such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

To learn more about Maria, check out the “Our Team” page on our website! https://yourmindmatters.net.au/our-team/

Relationships – The House that Makes a Home –

laura on 28/01/2022

What are the elements for a happy, healthy, and strong relationship? Some people say trust, others say honesty, loyalty, commitment. Well, through countless hours of research, observations, and studies of over 3,000 couples, relationship experts, Julie and John Gottman have developed The Sound Relationship House – 9 building blocks of a relationship that is applicable across culture, ethnicities, religious beliefs, or socio-economic background.

First Floor: Love Maps

The foundation to a long-lasting relationship stands in a firm comprehension of your partner’s psychological world – their needs, values, priorities, stresses, dreams, aspirations, past experiences, grievances etc. Knowledge of our partner’s preferences, likes, dislikes and history allow us to intently be aware of what our partner may be thinking and feeling, a protective factor, which allows our relationships to weather emotional storms, disagreements, and major life transitions.

Second Floor: Fondness and Admiration

Sharing fondness and admiration is the ability to articulate and convey to our partners the big and small reasons why we love and appreciate them. This builds up positive sentiment towards our partner and relationship. As a result, the respect and admiration that we hold prevents betrayal, and thoughts of break-up, separation or divorce every time an argument arises.

Third Floor: Turning Towards instead of Away

This level refers to all the small moments in which we may make a bid for our partner’s attention. This may be as insignificant as, “Hey, isn’t that a pretty flower” to more significant bids like, “I don’t know what to do, I need your help”. When our partner acknowledges our request for their attention – i.e., through a mumbled “yes”, “mmhmm” or even eye contact, this is referred to as turning towards. Research literature indicates that couples whose marriages ended in divorce six years later only turned towards their partners 33% of the time.

Fourth Floor: The Positive Perspective

This floor cannot be directly worked on but relies on a strong foundation in the other floors of the Sound Relationship House. It refers to the overall perception of how we view our partner and relationship – through the past, present, and future. Having a fundamentally positive view of our partner and relationship is a powerful buffer in times of trouble and readily allows us to give our partner the benefit of the doubt.

Fifth Floor: Manage Conflict

All happy and long-lasting relationships have their fair share of disagreements, tiffs, and arguments. The fifth floor does not refer to ridding all relationships of these times, but rather in how to effectively and healthily navigate these conversations so that neither partner feels unheard, unimportant, or attacked.

Sixth Floor: Make Life Dreams Come True

This floor of the Sound Relationship House recognises that most individuals have their own dreams, hopes and aspirations. Lasting relationships have partners who not only encourage us to pursue these goals, but also assist and support us in being able to reach these goals.

Seventh Floor: Create Shared Meaning

The last level of the Sound Relationship House refers to a couple’s continued efforts to create memories, shared rituals, and traditions together. This may be a monthly date night, a weird and whacky birthday celebration or a sentimental Christmas tradition. All these moments are created together and bond partners as a unit.

The Walls: Trust and Commitment

While each floor of the house plays a significant role in the happiness and longevity of each relationship, it would all come crumbling down without commitment from both partners towards a life-long journey of continued effort, and the promise of devotion and care. Trust in your partner that you won’t be easily replaced as soon as someone “better” may come along.

To find out more about the Sound relationship House or other resources for your relationship head to: https://www.gottman.com/ (we love all things Gottman!!!)

If you or someone you know is struggling individually or as a couple, please don’t hesitate to contact our friendly reception staff at Your Mind Matters Psychology. Call us on (03) 9809-5947, or send us an email: admin@yourmindmatters.net.au

This post was written by Simone Chaochalakorn, Psychologist at YMM.

Simone has experience working in a variety of contexts, including working with young children in primary schools, as well as adolescents in clinics. Alongside this, Simone has also assisted adults and seniors with concerns such as work-related stress, relationship difficulties, anxiety and low mood.

Why a blog on relationships? Well, this is what her Masters thesis was based on and continues to be an area of interest 🙂

The 5 Love Languages…More than Just a Gimmick?

laura on 15/03/2021

Humans use language as a principal form of communicating with each other. Language allows us to convey our needs, wants, desires, demands and everything in between to be able to build interpersonal relationships and get by in the world. The language that we become most proficient in our lives is known as our primary language. Many factors contribute to the development of our primary language, this may be geography, ethnicity, the people around us, environment etc.

If languages already allow us to communicate with each other, then what are love languages and what do they help us achieve? The work and research of Dr. Gary Chapman has led to what he deems as the 5 love languages – the way humans communicate with one another to fulfil our emotional needs.

Words of Affirmation – verbal expressions of love, which may include words of encouragement, appreciation and compliments.

“Thank you for coming with me tonight, I really appreciate it”
“I loved that dish you made last week, could you make it again?”
“You’re going to ace the interview; I believe in you!”

Quality Time – fostering a sense of togetherness by giving your partner your undivided attention.

Quality conversations: different from words of affirmation, in this form it is about hearing what is said, rather than the words spoken
- Spending time at the restaurant talking with each other rather than being on our phones
- Setting aside 30 minutes each night to debrief on each other’s day
Quality activities: engaging in activities that allow you both to be and do things with one another and bolster that sense of togetherness. Quality activities include the following three elements:
- One partner wants to do the activity
- The other partner willingly engages in the activity
- Both have an understanding that they are participating in the activity to spend time with each other

Receiving Gifts – an expression of love where the ‘gift’ symbolises being in their partner’s thoughts. The object, monetary value or size of the gift is not what is important, but rather, it represents a visual symbol of love.

Returning with pastry for your partner after going out for brunch with friends
Making a handmade card for their birthday
Offer your presence at an event or occasion that you would not normally attend (e.g., birthday party, work drinks, concert)

Acts of Service – When actions speak louder than words. Expressions of love is perceived by taking the initiative to do tasks without being asked. These are generally small day-day tasks or chores that may become nagged about.

Clean away the plates after dinner
Making sure the petrol in the car is full
Laying out their clothes for the next day
Taking their bag as they walk through the door

Physical Touch – expressions of love through physical connection

Holding hands, hugging, placing your hand on their knee at dinner
Rubbing their back, shoulder massages, running your hand through their hair
Kissing and physical intimacy

Now that we are aware of the five love languages, are you able to identify which ones might be yours? What about your partner’s or your friend’s love language?

Just like our primary spoken language, our personal love language is learnt and shaped by many factors during childhood. Children tend to develop unique emotional patterns, which depend upon their individual characteristics as well as how their parents and the significant people in their lives expressed love to them. This in turn tends to become their own primary love language. They become the most proficient in expressing love in this way and seek this form of love from their partner to be emotionally fulfilled.

Emotional distance can grow in a relationship when both partners are not speaking the same language. Both may feel as though they are emotionally expressing their needs, but never being heard. A partner may be offering words of affirmation time and time again, however if their partner’s primary love language is physical touch, then those words are falling on deaf ears. It is akin to speaking in Portuguese when your partner only understands Korean.

Throughout our life, we may learn a secondary language, however this may require more effort, take more practice and we may never be as comfortable with this as we are with our primary language. This can also be true for love languages. You and your partner may need to learn secondary love languages to be able to emotionally communicate with each other. This may be difficult and unfamiliar at first, but with patience and persistence will come success.

To find out your love language head to the following site and take the quick quiz:

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

This blog was written by Simone Chaochalakorn, psychologist at Your Mind Matters.

Simone completed undergraduate and postgraduate studies in Psychology (Honours these exploring conflict behaviour in relationships at Deakin University), as well as a Masters of Professional Psychology at the Cairnmillar Institute.

Simone works with us 3 days per week.

Relationships and Communication – How important is communication in a romantic relationship?

laura on 25/11/2017

“Communication is a skill that you can learn. It’s like riding a bicycle or typing. If you’re willing to work at it, you can rapidly improve the quality of every part of your life.”

– Brian Tracy

Communication plays a vital role in the exchange between two people. An incomplete or unhealthy communication can create a block that can contribute to unfulfilling relationships. Communication provides the power to fulfill human need for connectivity and belonging. A positive interaction not only provides greater relationship satisfaction but also ameliorates our subjective well-being. Learning how to effectively communicate with your partner will strengthen the trust, honesty and respect you have for each other and the relationship.

Unhealthy communication often starts with negative thoughts or emotions and not words. And these negative thoughts can come from preconceived perceptions and anticipation of reactions. The ability to communicate effectively assists with showing your values to your partner makes partners understand each other and be approachable to each other.

Misunderstandings and communication mistakes are always possible in a relationship. Here are the most common yet avoidable communication mistakes that could harm a relationship:

Universal statements: generalizing your partner’s character in a negative way by using universal statements can show lack of understanding, invalidates the good aspects in your partner, and discourages change.
Not considering things from your partner’s point of view: lacking empathy acts as a catalyst to anger towards each other in a relationship, worsens conflict, and can lead to defensiveness.
Unhealthy non-verbals: body gestures, limited eye-contact, loud tone of voice, and divided attention can make your partner read between the lines, jump to unhealthy conclusions, and assume the worse.
Invalidation: invalidating your partner’s emotions can contribute to resentment and hurt. Constant invalidation can cause emotional numbness, harming the bond in a relationship.
Making past mistakes/difficulties as the centre: bringing up past mistakes as part of each communication, in time will start to lead and rule the relationship and invalidate positive changes.
Fixating on your own feelings: this can make your partner run away each time you want to communicate. Feelings of being unheard can further lead to patterns of avoiding any form of communication, in turn making your partner emotionally freeze or close off.

For a healthier communication, try to:

Find the right time to communicate: If the issue of not urgent then talking about it at the right time is likely to yield positive results.
Watch your body language: Giving your partner full attention will make him/her feel heard and reduce feelings of hurt and anger because you are listening.
Be honest: if there is one thing that your partner will appreciate the most – it is honesty. Express your emotions as honestly as you can, keeping in view not to violate your partners emotions.
Remember the delay rule: Delaying an argument will not make you lose. In fact delaying often allows thoughtfulness and wisdom to kick in and improves chances of reconciliation and realisation.
Not be harsh: By avoiding harsh words you will allow room for openness and prevent another argument.
Be open to feedback: Constructive criticism from your partner will only lead to positive dynamics, and who can do it better than your partner? Communicating this belief to your partner will instill a sense of responsibility in your partner and reduce defensiveness from your end.

If you are going through difficulties in your relationship, why not give us a call today? Our team of highly skilled and well-experienced Psychologists are here to help.

This blog was written by Aanchal Sood, Psychologist at Your Mind Matters.

Aanchal completed studies in psychopharmacology and psychology in England, and is fluent in both Hindi and Punjabi.

Aanchal has experience assisting adolescents, adults and couples to address a variety of difficulties including anxiety and mood disorders, grief and loss, trauma and stress related disorders, adjustment issues (e.g. cultural adjustment), sleep difficulties, relationship difficulties, schizophrenia spectrum and other psychotic disorders, obsessive compulsive and related disorders.

Aanchal works with us 1-2 evenings per week.