Evidence-based therapies like CBT, IPT, EMDR, and exposure therapy effectively treat depression and trauma. Melbourne psychologists offer tailored, in-person or telehealth care to support mental wellness.
Death is the one certainty in life; yet, the topic of death continues to be taboo in most societies. Every single person, at varying ages, will be confronted with death – death of a pet, grandparent, parent, sibling, teacher, co-worker, friend, and sometimes, a child. So, why are so many of us apprehensive to talk about death or feel so ill-prepared to deal with our grief or the grief of someone we care about?
Research shows that our concept of death influences our attitudes about death which either assists or hinders our coping with grief and loss (Neimeyer, Moser, & Wittkowski, 2003). In other words, our understanding about what happens to our existence (e.g., our body or our soul) when we die will influence our attitudes towards death – if we think death is good, bad, irrelevant, scary, peaceful, etc. If a person thinks that death is the cessation of all consciousness, the end of the line, or the final destination, they may fear death or feel regret for unresolved conflicts. They might feel intense sadness, emptiness, and loneliness after the death of a loved one. On the other hand, if a person thinks death is the changing of consciousness, or a partial loss of consciousness (e.g., not physically present, but being present in other ways like in the hearts and memories of loved ones or being spiritually present), then they may accept death as part of the natural cycle of life. They might also feel sad as well as relieved, or even happy, that their loved one has gone to another place or is still with them in some way. Death anxiety (fear of death) and death acceptance (making peace with the idea that all things that live must die) are influenced by our understandings of and attitudes toward death.
The development of our death concept (our understanding of death) begins in childhood, usually around 5 years of age. Between the ages of 5 and 11 years, children often go through four different developmental stages in their understanding of death (Speece & Brent, 1984). The first stage is understanding the irreversibility of death. In other words, death is permanent – when people die, they cannot become “undead”. Usually around the same time, children begin to accept the non-functionality of death. In other words, once someone dies, their body ceases to be functional. They cannot hear or see us. Between the ages of 7-10 years old, children begin to accept the universality of death. All things that live must die. The final stage of understanding death, usually by 11 years of age, is accepting the causality of death. People die for a reason (e.g., their organs stop working, they get hit by a car, they have a disease that impedes the body’s ability to function). More recent research about the development of death concepts also suggests a fifth developmental stage called noncorporeal continuation (Cox, Garrett, & Graham, 2005; Speece & Brent, 1996). This is the idea that there might be more than just two stages of existence (alive and dead); but rather, that some element of a person’s existence continues beyond the physical death (e.g., reincarnation or the afterlife, often influenced by religious or spiritual beliefs).
One of the best ways to cope with grief and loss is to talk about death openly. Think about and discuss our understandings of death. What is our death concept? How has it evolved since childhood? What do our children, parents, or friends think about death? Talking about death does not expedite its arrival, but it does help us prepare for the inevitability of death in our lives. Children have a natural curiosity about death. Sometimes that curiosity changes into fear – fear of the death of a loved one or of their own death. This, too, is a natural part of development. But remember, death anxiety and death acceptance is shaped by our attitudes about death. We need to understand our own attitudes about death to help our children develop their own.
ABC: Play School on teaching kids about death and grief
If you, or someone you know is struggling with a death or the dying process, give us a ring at Your Mind Matters. We’re here to help.
If you need support right now
If this is an emergency, call 000. For 24-hour support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or text 0477 13 11 14. Kids Helpline is available on 1800 55 1800 for children and young people aged 5 to 25. More options are on our resources page.
Bonoti, F., Leondari, A., & Mastora, A. (2013). Exploring children’s understanding of death: through drawings and the death concept questionnaire. Death Studies, 37(1), 47-60.
Cox, M., Garrett, E., & Graham, J. A. (2005). Death in Disney films: Implications for children’s understanding of death. Omega-Journal of Death and Dying, 50(4), 267-280.
Neimeyer, Moser, R. P., & Wittkowski, J. (2003). Assessing attitudes toward dying and death: Psychometric considerations. Omega-Journal of Death and Dying, 47(1), 45-76.
Speece, M. W., & Brent, S. B. (1984). Children’s understanding of death: a review of three components of a death concept. Child Development, 55(5), 1671-1686. doi:10.2307/1129915
Our Blog Author
This post was written by Allison Conyer, formerly a Psychologist at Your Mind Matters. Grief, loss and death anxiety continue to be part of our services. Meet our team.
Grief, in general, is a response to loss. Grief can occur after a death, divorce, sickness or other significant loss such as a miscarriage or changes to one’s employment status.
Grief often involves intense sadness, and sometimes feelings of shock, numbness or even denial and anger. Nonetheless, how people experience and manage grief can differ from person to person. It has no set pattern. Some people like to be expressive and public with their emotions, while others like to keep grief private.
Grief is also a process or journey that affects individuals differently. For some, it can be exhausting and emotionally draining, making it hard to do simple things or even leave the house, while others cope by becoming more active.
For most people, healing occurs with time. They may always carry sadness and miss the person who has died, but are able to find meaning and experience pleasure again. Some people even find new wisdom and strength after experiences of loss.
I have personally found the following strategies of coping with grief to be helpful:
While some are able to process grief and loss without professional help, others may need an extra helping hand. If you present with the following symptoms, it may be time for you to seek help:
Our dedicated and experienced team at Your Mind Matters can help you. You do not need to go through this alone. Please do not hesitate to contact us on (03) 9802 4654 should you wish to discuss your options.
If you need support right now
If this is an emergency, call 000. For 24-hour support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or text 0477 13 11 14. More options are on our resources page.
Our Blog Author
This post was written by Dr Aiyuen (Shannon) Choong, formerly a Psychologist at Your Mind Matters. Support with grief and loss continues to be part of our services. Meet our team.
The one constant thing in our lives is change, as it is constant and inevitable. Change can come into our lives as a result of a crisis, as a result of choice or just by chance. In either situation, we are all faced with having to make a choice.
The reality is we cannot avoid the unexpected events or crisis in our lives as it is these events that challenge us and pave a pathway for us to step out of our comfort zone. If we ignore or hide away from the challenge of change, we potentially deny ourselves the opportunity to learn and grow.
Our resilience in life can only grow stronger when we embrace change and manage these challenges in a positive way, rather than ignore the opportunities that change can bring to our lives. Below are some strategies that can assist with adapting to change:
We tend to like living our lives in our comfort zone because it is a known zone and embracing change is like stepping into the unknown, and hence why our brain consciously resists it. There is no escaping the fact that change is a disruptor and it feels uncomfortable and scary. However, it is our power of choice that enables us to activate positive change in our lives. So, make the choice by changing your mindset.
Reminding ourselves of what’s important to us, such as family, friends, religious beliefs, scientific achievement, great music, creative expression, can create a surprisingly powerful buffer against whatever troubles may be ailing us. Knowing what is important in your life gives you purpose and sets the direction of how you want to live your life. With a sense of purpose and meaning in life, you have clarity and focus and both these elements are essential to you being able to successfully adapt and manage the impact of change in your life.
Regrets have a huge impact on how you respond to change and they hold you back in life. Letting go of your regrets is key to you being able to move forward in life. You cannot change what you did or did not do in the past so let it go. The only control you have now is to choose to live in your present and future life. Change is the only thing that presents opportunities in life, so if you are open to opportunities then you are open to change.
Living a balanced and healthy active life builds our resilience and ability to successfully manage the disruption that change can have on our lives. Finding positive ways to deal with the stress and pressure that we face daily is key to our survival on both a physical and emotional level.
You can learn from other people on how they survived change and transition. They can see it more objectively than you can. Talking to others will give you peace in the fact that you are not alone and give you the strength and courage to embrace change.
If you are going through difficulties and need to find your inner strength, why not give us a call today? Our team of highly skilled and well-experienced Psychologists are here to help.
Our Blog Author
This post was written by Aanchal Sood, Senior Psychologist and Supervisor at Your Mind Matters. Aanchal works with adolescents, adults and couples on anxiety and mood disorders, grief and loss, trauma, adjustment and relationship difficulties, and is fluent in Hindi and Punjabi. Meet our team.
Grief is a natural response when facing a life limiting illness and the death of someone you love. Each person experiences grief in their own way. It can change from day to day and over time. There is no right or wrong way of coping with grief.
Grief can feel overwhelming, and at specific times of the year can become a daunting experience. When faced with grief, the most important thing to remember is that you are not alone as normalisation tends to contribute to strength to cope with any loss.
These are normal responses to grief and loss. Your experience of grief will change as you learn to live with your loss. This may take a few or many months, depending on each individual. It is crucial to embrace your own experience of loss as no two individuals are alike.
It is essential that you take care of yourself, even as you deal with grief. When coping with grief many people become busy looking after others and consequently neglect to address grief symptoms in themselves. Some strategies include:
More and more people readily access therapy and discuss mental health. Seeking help at the right time can make the process of coping with a loss much easier.
If you are going through difficulties and need support, why not give us a call today? Our team of highly skilled and well-experienced Psychologists are here to help.
If you need support right now
If this is an emergency, call 000. For 24-hour support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or text 0477 13 11 14. More options are on our resources page.
Our Blog Author
This post was written by Aanchal Sood, Senior Psychologist and Supervisor at Your Mind Matters. Aanchal works with adolescents, adults and couples on anxiety and mood disorders, grief and loss, trauma, adjustment and relationship difficulties, and is fluent in Hindi and Punjabi. Meet our team.
Learning that someone close to you has a potentially life-impacting diagnosis is a difficult experience. You may feel anxious, afraid or overwhelmed by your own emotions and wonder how you can help them during the times ahead. You may experience a sense of disbelief, denial and also a sense of grief. If you take on the role of caring for someone undertaking treatment, you may also need to adjust to new responsibilities and pressures.
Whilst receiving such a diagnosis is devastating, being the family member or friend providing support is also extremely taxing and confronting. You might want to talk to them about it, but struggle to find the right words or worry about saying the wrong thing. You are also likely to be struggling, however feeling the need to hide these feelings for fear of burdening others. It is perfectly normal to feel lost for words, regardless of how close you are to the person. Your responses would very much depend on your relationship and your personal experiences and whilst there is no script, there are some things that would be worthwhile considering.
Everyone’s experiences are unique and even if you have faced significant obstacles in the past, it is not possible to fully grasp what the person is going through. So being empathic and assisting the person in exploring the facets of their own experience is one of the most essential things to consider.
There are many ways to provide support and these will vary depending on your relationship, your own situation and also your own ability to cope with the situation. Some avenues of support may include:
Simply checking in with the person on a regular basis and really tuning in to their responses. Take the time to really listen and respond. Often, people are not after advice but need an attentive and caring listener. If the person wants to confide about what they are going through, give them time to speak, be genuine and try not to probe or interrupt.
Keeping normality is vitally important. Continue inviting the person to the usual social events and involving them as much as possible. Always provide the option of declining or even last-minute cancellations without judgment. Try not to alter your interaction style or physical behaviours. Jokes and hugs, if they were the previous norm, continue to be valuable. It’s also good to talk about other everyday things too as distraction is vitally important.
Practical help, especially specific rather than vague offers of help may also be well received. Preparing a meal, helping out with cleaning and offers to be a support person at appointments are all things to consider especially for a person who may have difficulty asking for help.
Whilst providing false expectations and drawing comparisons to previous cases is not helpful, positivity and hope can be a coping strategy that aids adjustment and adaptation. A positive frame of mind can make a person feel a sense of optimism and confidence and improve resilience. As a support person, the role is not to obstruct the gravity of the situation, but to support the person to gradually adjust to the diagnosis, let go of what was or what might have been, and accept what is.
Whilst striving to provide all of the above supports, one is often confronted with their own sense of grief, fear and hopelessness. Feeling like everything has changed and may never get back to normal can evoke feelings of anticipatory grief, which is a feeling of uncertainty and fear about what the future holds. This breaks our own sense of safety. Being a support person, in any context, but especially when dealing with a significant illness, is a distressing and emotionally draining role.
Family and friends are a great resource for support, but sometimes things can seem so overwhelming even for them, especially if they are dealing with similar emotions. In those cases, seeking professional advice and support from a trained psychologist can assist people and their families to work through their feelings.
If you or someone you know are going through difficulties and need support, why not give us a call today? Our team of highly skilled and well-experienced psychologists are here to help.
References
Bruce, J. and Pelosi, E. (2017). Caring for Someone with Cancer. Cancer Council.
Heuberk, E. (2007). 6 Ways to Conquer a Scary Diagnosis. WebMD.
Our Blog Author
This post was written by Lana Lubomirska, Senior Psychologist at Your Mind Matters. Lana works with children, adolescents and adults from a range of cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds, and is committed to providing a client-centred, safe environment for every individual. Meet our team.
For some families, having a diagnosis that explains their child’s speech, behavioural and emotional issues is a relief. However, for others, it may be a complete shock and a rather challenging issue to come to terms with.
From a psychologist’s point of view (for me at least), a diagnosis is actually a positive turning point for children with Autism. It provides those who interact and/or educate the child with a better understanding of the child’s presenting issues. It gives these adults a clearer framework in which they can effectively communicate and teach the child. A formal diagnosis also opens up avenues to government funding for intervention that will ensure the child receives the support he/she needs to thrive with the condition they have.
Nonetheless, I can also understand how in certain cultures and societies a diagnosis of autism is frowned upon. For families coming from cultural groups who are not familiar with Autism, the diagnosis is often related to feelings of ‘shame’, ‘embarrassment’, ‘disgrace’ or is seen to be equivalent or at least feel as if it is a ‘death sentence’ to the child’s future.
A diagnosis does not change who the child is and how they behave. All a diagnosis does is provide (or attempts to do so) an explanation for why the child may be presenting with the difficulties and differences that they do.
The following is some advice I found to really resonate with some of the parents I work with and I hope those reading this blog may find it beneficial in their journey with Autism.
For the full article of the do’s and don’ts after an autism diagnosis, see Autism Speaks: do’s and don’ts after an autism diagnosis.
If you need support right now
If this is an emergency, call 000. For 24-hour support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or text 0477 13 11 14. Kids Helpline is available on 1800 55 1800 for children and young people aged 5 to 25. More options are on our resources page.
Our Blog Author
This post was written by Dr Aiyuen (Shannon) Choong, formerly a Psychologist at Your Mind Matters. Support for children from preschool years through to adolescence continues to be part of our services. Meet our team.
