Life can be extremely difficult. The possibility of human experience is endless. Regardless of how privileged or disadvantaged we are; human beings all connect in our capacity for psychological suffering.
We all can move to listening to a harsh internal critic. Do you have an inner critic? If so, what is the purpose of this critic? Is this critic chastising you, searching for your flaws, punishing you, and comparing you? Is it maybe even preventing you from doing things you love, or from living by your values and being your authentic self?
Let’s consider a few examples:
Imagine you have broken your leg and fractured your ribs from a bicycle accident and that you have the choice of getting help with daily tasks from companion A or companion B.
Companion A says to you: “Suck it up, it’s not that bad, you’re pathetic! Plenty of people are worse off than you, quit with the baby tears”
Companion B says to you: “This absolutely sucks. You must be in some really awful pain and feel like you’ve lost some independence that I know is so important to you. I’m here for you, let’s just take it slow together”
Strangely we are often the Companion B to our friends but often not to ourselves!
Imagine a close friend of yours just went through a romantic relationship break-up. They tell you their heartfelt story, and you listen intently from start to finish. Your friend isn’t perfect, but they deserve to be happy. You reassure them that they’ll get through this, they’re a wonderful human being, and that it can be painful, but they will be okay.
You don’t judge your friend. You don’t tell them they are not worthy, they are unlovable, will never find anybody, are ugly, stupid or that they need to change. You show your friend compassion. Strangely we often don’t do the same for ourselves!
Imagine you are at work and your boss calls you in for a meeting to have your annual review. She discusses your strengths and lets you know she is so happy to have you on the team. She then gives you some constructive advice related to organisation/planning skills. Coming from a place of critical judgment, you only hear the negative, and tell yourself, “I’m an incompetent idiot. I’m a shambolic mess and I can’t do anything right”. You head home and feel stressed out, go over all your flaws from memory and can’t sleep.
Coming from a place of fairness and acceptance, you see and hear the whole message, and tell yourself, “I’m doing a really solid job & working well with the team. I’m going to take on her helpful advice and learn from this”. This is a more compassionate response.
What is self-compassion?
There are many different definitions of self-compassion in the literature. I kind of like Neff (2003) that suggests there are 3 components that collaboratively interact to develop a self-compassionate frame of mind:
Self-kindness versus self-judgement – Self-kindness is simply that! Responding with and developing a tendency to be caring and understanding with oneself, and letting go of the harsh judgmental critic. It is about being honest with ourselves about our pain, our flaws, our mistakes and not ignoring, and also not wallowing in self-pity; but acknowledging and responding with genuine kindness, soothing and comfort to the self.
A sense of common humanity versus isolation – The common humanity aspect involves recognizing that all human beings have cracks, and make mistakes. We aren’t alone here! Nobody is perfect! These flaws and cracks make us who we are and connecting one’s own flawed condition to the shared human condition helps with greater perspective and understanding. Individuals who are self-compassionate accept themselves as they are and for who they are, rather than what or who they “should” be.
Mindfulness versus overidentification – Mindfulness involves simply being aware of one’s present moment experience and accepting things as they are. It is not ignoring or ruminating, but observing and accepting the pain, and being self-compassionate. Mindfulness will also help in developing self-compassion habits, like recognizing when your body is feeling anxious and your thoughts are being judgmental toward yourself.
What we know from the research is that when you’re critical and judgmental of yourself, you’re more likely to experience feelings of anger, anxiety, sadness, loneliness and insecurity. When you treat yourself fairly you are in a position to manage these uncomfortable feelings with acceptance.
Self-compassionate individuals often take pride in their human characteristics and believe they are good natured, well-meaning, and competent, and happily understand their unique weaknesses or areas they can work on. They know they are a work in progress and embrace it.
It’s kind of hard to break old habits and practice self-compassion.
I encourage you to treat yourself fairly and with kindness, and see what happens.
References
Barnard, L. K., & Curry, J. F. (2011). Self-compassion: Conceptualizations, correlates, & interventions. Review of General Psychology, 15(4), 289-303.
Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and identity, 2(3), 223-250.
This blog was written by Karen Dreher – Counsellor at YMM.
Karen is a member of The Australian Counselling Association (ACA). She has completed a Masters of Counselling, a Graduate Diploma in Psychology, and additional training in Gottman (couples) Therapy.
Karen is a person-centred counsellor who values the diversity of human narrative and her client’s own personal meanings, experiences and feelings. Karen provides a warm, empathetic, authentic space that supports clients in engaging in their own self-understanding and healthy well-being.
Have you felt exhausted, overwhelmed, feeling like you hate what you’re doing, not enjoying your family time and like you’ve got nothing left to give?
You could be suffering symptoms of burnout.
The burnout problem?
Burnout is not a new concept and was explored by American psychologist Herbert Freudenberger in the 1970s. He determined burnout to be essentially a byproduct of our desire for high achievement and the extreme stress levels we put ourselves through to meet this goal. Even prior to the global pandemic, World Health Organization (WHO) recognised burnout as a major occupational hazard with a growing number of worker reports of energy depletion, negativity about their work and a reduction in professional efficacy. The changes to the workplace, family demands (remote learning), reduction in social outlets and work life balance impacts during the pandemic, further compounded this, with significant increases in workplace burnout being reported.
What causes burnout?
Whilst most people are generally equipped to handle stressors that they encounter in life and at work, burnout can start to take hold when these stressors become chronic in nature and are not addressed. Burnout is not a badge of honour, however often tends to be perceived as such, especially in high achieving environments. It is worn daily as we rush to meetings, skip meal breaks to complete an extra task, work long hours, forget to take our vacation time as well as accumulating many years’ worth of personal leave, pushing through exhaustion and illness to attend work due to a misguided belief that we’re irreplaceable. It is also worn by parents who undertake too much and chase the perfect image of parenting to please others, rather than slowing down, asking for help and acknowledging struggles.
When in the throes of full-fledged burnout, one is no longer able to function effectively on a personal or professional level. Since burnout doesn’t happen suddenly, but gradually creeps up, the wellbeing decline is often overlooked until it’s too late. Medically, there has been debate about whether burnout is simply a form of depression, due to similarities and overlap between them. The general consensus is, that the difference is in burnout being specific to workplace/family situations, whereas depression can develop in any given circumstances, even in the absence of triggers and stressors.
What does burnout look like?
Burnout is both emotional and physical exhaustion caused by prolonged periods of stress. WHO describes it as “a syndrome conceptualized as resulting from chronic stress that has not been successfully managed”.
In the workplace, common contributors to burnout include:
lack of control over things like schedule, workload, and assignments
unclear job expectations
dysfunctional workplace dynamics, such as an office bullying or a micromanaging boss
extremes of activity, such as job monotony or chaos
lack of social support, and work life balance
The effects of burnout are not limited to the workplace, however. It often spills over to effect relationships with family and friends. Research shows that when supervisors are critical of employees who are also mothers, these women tend to be harsher toward their children as well as more withdrawn. Burnout also tends to increase rates of alcohol and substance abuse. Certain professions, such as health care, are particularly prone to burnout.
The vision of a struggling exhausted parent often paints the clearest picture of what burnout looks and feels like in the family context.
For mothers in a 2018 study, burnout resulted in:
An underlying current of fear
Feeling that they were not good enough
Fear of giving up control over things
A discontinuity of sense of self.9
Furthermore, burned out mothers:
Often did not want to be around their children
Developed an aversion to everyday chores
Felt like they were working on autopilot
Had thoughts of harming themselves or abandoning their children
Experienced strong feelings of distress, self-hate, loneliness, shame, and guilt.
Effects of burnout
As burnout and stress have become more common, the long-term effects can lead to significant problems, which are still continuing to emerge. Our bodies react to heightened stress levels by increasing adrenaline and cortisol, raising your blood pressure, and switching your nervous system into heightened awareness. While this response means to protect you in a dangerous situation, prolonged exposure to this response wreaks havoc on your body.
Physically burnout is linked to heightened blood pressure, hair loss, and chronic pain. Other symptoms can include physical exhaustion, headaches, gastrointestinal symptoms, appetite changes, increased susceptibility to common infections, and sleep disruption. Mentally, burnout is experienced as a feeling of mental exhaustion, cynicism, detachment and ineffectiveness, a lack of accomplishment as well as anxiety and depression.
We cannot simply apply intervention strategies to focus on a single context or only address individual symptoms. We cannot “rest” our way out of burnout, but rather need a combined approach to address all the causes of burnout, both visible and underlying.
You don’t wake up one morning and all of the sudden “have burnout.” Its nature is much more insidious, creeping up on us over time like a slow leak, which makes it much harder to recognize. Still, our bodies and minds do give us warnings, and if you know what to look for, you can recognize it before it’s too late.
The list of these warning signs is not exhaustive and they do exist on a continuum rather than being clearly defined. So, there is generally no clear transition between general stress and burnout and as such regular self-checking as well as listening to feedback from others is necessary.
Signs of physical and emotional exhaustion:
Early on you may feel a depletion of energy, feeling tired most days. As things progress, you feel physically and emotionally exhausted, drained, and you may feel a sense of dread about what lies ahead on any given day.
Insomnia. Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep a few times per week can be quite common. Persistent, nightly ordeal of getting to sleep despite severe exhaustion is indicative of the issue progressing
Forgetfulness/impaired concentration and attention. We all sometimes forget to do things or fail to focus. The problems may get to the point where you can’t get your work done and everything begins to pile up resulting in added stress.
Physical symptoms. Physical manifestations may include chest pain, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, gastrointestinal pain, dizziness, fainting, and/or headaches. Increases in frequency and severity are generally indicative of condition decline.
Increased illness. Immune system becomes weakened as the body continues under prolonged stress. This results in increased vulnerability to infections, colds, flu, and other immune-related medical problems.
Changes in appetite. When we rush there is a tendency to miss meals or not feel hungry or to develop unhealthy eating habits. This can lead to an eventual loss of appetite, weight loss or gastrointestinal issues
Anxiety. Although it will usually start off with mild onset, symptoms of tension, worry and edginess may become so serious that they interfere with your ability to function productively both in the workplace and in personal life.
Depression. In the early stages, mildly sad and occasionally hopeless feelings may emerge. They may be followed by feelings of pessimism, apathy, guilt and worthlessness, eventually leading to the feeling of being trapped and severely depressed and believing the world would be better off without you (if you find yourself developing this though patten, please seek immediate assistance).
Anger. Will usually present as interpersonal tension and irritability, developing into angry outbursts and serious arguments at home and in the workplace at a later stage. (If anger gets to the point where it turns to thoughts or acts of violence toward family or co-workers, seek immediate professional assistance.)
In the industry, burnout is responsible for billions of dollars in losses both through productivity and compensation claims and countless hours in absenteeism and loss of talent.
So what can we do about burnout?
Dealing with burnout can seem like an impossible task, especially when you’re already feeling so drained and exhausted. You can manage stress and burnout! There are many things you can do both by yourself but also with a bit of help. Your first step is to ACKNOWLEDGE it exists. Sometimes we get very stuck in our routines and we don’t see the effects these have on us. It sets a standard for our normality, and hence becomes less noticeable and more entrenched. So, it’s vital to become aware of its existence.
Here’s a few ideas to help yourself start to feel on track again:
Simple things such as talking to those who you feel closest to and admitting how you feel can help lift the weight off. If you are concerned about sharing with those in your social circle, speaking to someone impartial like a GP, psychologist or a mental health worker can really help.
Setting boundaries, especially within the work context or where you feel the most stress is coming from. Become accustomed to saying “no” in any context, be it work or social engagements. It is okay to take a time out for yourself or even to take a day off when needed. Especially when working from a home environment, setting boundaries and knowing when to stop work and shut off for the day is important. Make sure you have space in your house where you can escape work and have time to unwind and relax.
Take technology breaks! Put away the laptop and phone, ignore the news and social media for a while. Schedule these times if you need to.
Bury your head in a good book, listen to a podcast, do a puzzle.
Nourish your creative side and start a new fun project or perhaps explore what is something you’ve always wanted to do but never got to.
Get those endorphins flowing by doing some exercise! Even a bit of time outside can be of great help.
Set aside time just for relaxation. Look up a mediation, take a yoga class, take a walk outside or do some mindful colouring! Try to take at least 15 minutes a day for a mindful activity and give your brain and body time to unwind.
Sleep restores and heals your body, helps you function at your best, and is a necessary part of reducing stress. Most adults who get less than eight hours of sleep experience higher stress levels. Some ways you can improve your sleep are:
Meditate before bed
Reduce screen time before sleeping
Try a relaxing bath
Read a book
Ensure you have enough daylight exposure
A longer-term intervention will require exploring changes that can be implemented within your current workplace and routine or considering other vocational options if this is not possible.
Within the family sphere, seeking help, collaboratively exploring different ways of doing things and ensuring time is set aside for yourself no matter how busy things get.
If you would like some support with better managing work stresses, why not give us a call today? Our team of highly skilled and well-experienced practitioners are here to help.
Psychology Today. The Tell Tale Signs of Burnout … Do You Have Them?. November 26, 2013. https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/high-octane-women/201311/the-tell-tale-signs-burnout-do-you-have-them
This blog was written by Lana Lubomirska – Psychologist at YMM.
Lana has experience working with children, adolescents and adults from different cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds. She is committed to providing a client-centred safe environment for every individual and assisting clients along their journey. Lana uses a variety of evidence-based therapies to support clients in addressing difficulties with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, friendship problems and educational stresses.
Simply put, thoughts are our opinions and beliefs about ourselves, others and the world around us. Thoughts can be experienced in different ways. Some of us think in the form of ‘words’, images/pictures, or even both. We all have that ‘voice’ in our head that helps us process events that are unfolding around us. Sometimes our inner self-talk can be very positive, supportive and encouraging, almost like a cheerleader. However, at times it can be very critical. You may have heard of the term ‘the inner critic’; this is the part of you that scrutinises/judges you. It may, for example, tell you that you ‘should’ do better or that you’re failing in life.
A big part of therapy is to shift our thinking. Now we have all heard the term ‘positive thinking’. We might be going through a tough situation and in an attempt to help, a friend or loved one may tell us “STOP thinking so negatively and think more positively!!”. Easier said then done, right?! We first need to understand our thoughts, before we can start to shift them. Most importantly, we need to understand what has led us to form that interpretation of the situation/event at hand, ourselves, others or the world.
Let’s start at the beginning… First and foremost, you CAN NOT stop yourself from thinking! The more you tell yourself to ‘stop thinking’ the more you think that thought! Have you ever had a song stuck in your head? I bet the answer is YES! And your mind sings it over, and over, and over! It becomes annoying, right? And the more you try to ‘get rid of’ that song, the more your mind keeps replaying it. Eventually, you may decide to stop fighting it and allow your mind to ‘sing’, you allow the song to be there, and go on with your day, focusing on what is important to you. And alas… IT GOES AWAY!!
Above, I mentioned that thoughts are words/pictures/images. I want you to keep this in mind. Thoughts in and of themselves do not have any meaning; they are words/pictures/images formed in our mind about our interpretation of a situation. We are the ones who give our thoughts meaning…we think them and automatically believe them to be true. Just because you think something, it DOES NOT make it true. For example, if you had the thought “I’m not a good friend”, that does not make it a fact.
We can often get caught in ‘thinking traps’. These are also referred to as cognitive distortions. Thinking traps are inaccuracies in thinking which are often very unhelpful and get in the way of us viewing a situation more objectively. Here are some common thinking traps:
Mindreading – We believe we know what others are thinking, and they have a negative opinion of us. The truth is, we can’t possibly know what someone else is thinking as we are not mind readers.
Fortune telling – When you tell yourself that something won’t work out; almost like you are predicting the future.
Black and white thinking – Viewing situations/events in terms of extremes and not seeing the in-between. For example, seeing things as either good or bad, a success or a failure.
Catastrophising – Telling yourself that the worst thing imaginable will happen and you won’t be able to cope.
‘Should’ statements – Placing standards on how you ‘should’ or ‘must’ behave/think/feel.
Overgeneralisation – Thinking in terms of ‘always’ or ‘never’. For example, “I can never get anything right”.
Rather than refer to our thoughts as ‘positive’ or ‘negative’, I personally prefer to use the terms ‘helpful’ or ‘unhelpful’. Ask yourself, is it useful for me to think this way? Does this help me to live by my values and purse my goals? In the same way that we stop trying to ‘get rid of’ the songs stuck in our mind, we want to start making choices towards not engaging in our thoughts or getting stuck in the trap of ‘believing them’. Instead, we want to start noticing them more mindfully.
Our thoughts can be quite powerful and influence us in many ways. If you would like some support to shift your thinking to be more helpful and aligned with your values, our team of psychologists are here to help.
This blog was written by Maria Kampantais – Psychologist and Clinical Registrar at YMM.
Maria has been consulting at YMM for many years and enjoys working with clients through the use of evidence-based therapies such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), mindfulness techniques, Motivational Interviewing (MI), and Solution Focused Therapy (SFT).
No doubt you, as a therapist or client will at some point in the process be introduced to the principles of Mindfulness. Mindfulness is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us. It is an integral part of some forms of therapy such as Mindfulness based Cognitive Behavioural therapy and Dialectical Behaviour therapy. Mindfulness can provide strategies to manage challenging thoughts and emotions through a focus on the here and now.
Mindfulness can act as a grounding approach to settle ourselves when we’re feeling overwhelmed. If you find yourself stuck with a strong emotion, this approach can help you to feel anchored in the present and restore balance in your body and mind. Grounding skills are helpful to build sensory and cognitive awareness which can also help in therapy as you begin to recognise patterns and trends that either help or hinder you in your goals.
Connecting to nature can be a key part of developing mindful and grounding activities. Nature has the power to reconnect us to ourselves, our present, and our memories, through our senses. Indeed, as Lao Tzu, the Chinese Philosopher from 500 BCE said, ‘Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished’. There is stillness and motion, acceptance and change, all happening under our feet and above our heads.
There are many ways of connecting to nature, but here are a few ideas to get you started.
Forest Bathing
We know from our own experiences that when we are surrounded by trees and their canopies, we can feel calmed, and the scents of the earth and leaves and bark can stimulate our senses in a way that encourages relaxation and reconnection with ourselves and nature.
The Japanese practice of Shinrin-Yoku, translated as ‘forest bathing’, recognises the healing power of forests which provide sensory stimulus to decompresses our nervous system, allowing us to reset and recharge. Originating in the 1980s in Japan it has become a key preventative element of Japanese medicine, with 44 accredited Shinrin-Yoku forests across the country. Internationally this practice is also called ‘Forest Therapy’.
You don’t need to live close to a forest to benefit from forest bathing. A local park with trees will also provide opportunities for wellbeing. As forest bathing is gaining in popularity in Australia there are many choices of accessing in-person or online forest bathing sessions. The Royal Botanic Gardens in Melbourne offers two- or three-hour sessions involving time spent in key gardens and with certain trees, concluding with a shared tea ceremony. for more details: rbg.vic.gov.au
If you prefer to go solo with nature, here are some suggestions:
Find a favourite tree spot from your favourite nature place
Take a chair or blanket and stay a while.
Bring a notebook, or sketch pad.
Observe how you feel there. Be with yourself and the natural world.
Water
Similarly, the atmosphere of forests, bodies of water can evoke a sense of calm and tranquillity in us. Watching water or being close to this ‘blue space’ can be meditative. It allows us to connect to the vastness of the ocean landscape, or the intimacy of a flowing river with all of its living lifeforms, bringing us greater calm and connection. Marine Biologist, Wallace J. Nichols, writes about in his book, Blue Mind. Connection to water comes in many different forms from the beach and ocean, or the local creek or river, to a swimming pool or floatation tank. If we are water observers, we can benefit for the connection to it with a walk alongside our chosen blue space. If we prefer to be emersed and receive benefit that way, regular swims at our local pool or beach, spas at a bathhouse (senseofself.com) or natural springs (peninsulahotsprings.com) can support our wellbeing. A more immersive water experience can be found in a floatation tank. Floatation tanks are pods filled with warm salt water and hour-long sessions emersed in them alone can include music and different lightening effects, or quiet darkness. There are many centres around the city, and across the country offering this service and you can learn more here: floattherapy.org.au
Whichever nature path you choose to take, connecting to the earth can support our mental health in many ways.
This blog was written by Ian Clark – Psychologist YMM, and his partner in crime, Rachel Clark
Ian enjoys working with adolescents and adults presenting with a range of difficulties, including mood disorders, anxiety, stress related to school or work, and has years of experience supporting victims of domestic violence. Ian believes it is essential to the therapeutic process to provide a welcoming, safe, and non-judgemental environment in which to carefully explore ways to help people to make positive changes in their lives. He works with clients dealing with a variety of issues and is committed to providing individualised support to each client. To learn more about Ian, check out the “Our Team” page on our website! https://yourmindmatters.net.au/our-team/
Rachel is a passionate educator and community organiser who works to enhance people’s engagement with their own communities. She has 25 years of experience in the fields of teaching, cultural diversity, disability, and social justice organisational and volunteer management to support students, teachers, social and youth workers, volunteers, and organisations to develop critical, ethical and creative thinking capabilities that lead to action.
Recent times have called for the re-evaluation and adjustment of self-care practices and an emphasis on perspective and acceptance-based skills. One perspective skill that has garnered increasing interest is gratitude. Gratitude is known for its positive impacts on mental and physical health, such as improved relationship satisfaction, reductions in stress, anxiety, and anger, enhancing empathy, and aiding sleep. How? One reason is that feeling grateful floods us with oxytocin, which in turn creates more oxytocin receptors; an upward spiral that makes us happier (to learn more, Google “Gratitude and Oxytocin, you’ll see a heap of studies!)
A search of the web resulted in many differing definitions of gratitude, however, there was a consensus across definitions, being that of the ability to conjure feelings of thankfulness and appreciation for others, the world, and ourselves. It is suggested that this can be aided by focusing on what we have, rather than focusing on what we don’t.
“I am thankful for all that I have and all that I am”
If you are a fan of journaling, you are probably not a stranger to a gratitude prompt, for example:
Write down one good thing that has happened to you today. Who makes you feel loved and why? What cheers you up when you’ve had a hard day? What is something that money can’t buy that you are grateful for?
Prompts such as these allow us to check in with ourselves and take a mindful moment to consider what small, or big things, we have to embrace in life.
But when does gratitude get misunderstood? The world has gone through its fair share at the moment, as has all its beings. Statements that I am hearing more and more frequently recently include: “but I should be grateful for…” and “other people have it worse”. These statements promote self-invalidation, as to suggest that their understandable mental health struggles are unjustified. Therein lies the misunderstanding of gratitude, that it involves being appreciative of the things that haven’t gone wrong, all the while dismissing the painful thoughts and feelings we are experiencing. It is understood that these statements present as an ability to manage difficult feelings, however, often attempts to minimize thoughts and feelings only serves to amplify them. As psychologist and emotional agility researcher Dr. Susan David suggests, give yourself permission to feel all of your emotions, not only the “positive” ones.
We all deserve to tread lightly with ourselves, particularly in the face of lockdown restrictions. This might call for the incorporation of self-compassion in our gratitude practices!
If you are interested in setting up a gratitude practice, check out https://gratefulness.org/practice/private-gratitude-journal/ for tips on keeping a gratitude journal.
This blog was written by Blair Raatjes, psychologist at Your Mind Matters Psychology Services. She works with us 2 days per week.
Blair understands that seeking psychological help for the first time can be a nerve wracking experience for clients, therefore, she is committed to providing a warm, accepting and compassionate environment. She believes that collaboration, empathetic understanding, and respect are essential components to therapy and is interested in evidence-based approaches that emphasise the importance of catering to each client’s needs and strengths. Blair has experience using key therapeutic techniques, including Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and Motivational Interviewing and has a keen interest in Mindfulness based techniques such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
At some point in our lives, we all have heard the phrase that ‘charity begins at home’! Most of us accept it and even preach it to others when the opportunity for sharing wisdom arises (yeah, we are good at that!). The essence of the above phrase is seated in the value of compassion or kindness towards others. Compassion is empathy, kindness and understanding for others during suffering or challenging times.
So, I have a question for you – have you ever heard that ‘compassion starts with self?’ Probably, not, aside from that fact that I made the phrase up. Chances are that self-compassion is an alien concept and only comes into our lives through social media memes. So let me give you a brief snap shot and advocate the case for ‘self-compassion’ as an essential in our lives.
A simple google search will define ‘self-compassion’ along the lines of empathy, understanding and kindness towards one’s own self, when big or small life challenges happen. Kristen Neff, the world’s leading researcher on self-compassion, has identified three main components to it:
1. Self-kindness vs Self-judgement: treating ourselves with kindness and understanding when we fail, suffer or feel inadequate as opposed to ignoring our needs or belittling ourselves
2. Common-humanity vs Isolation: remembering that everyone fails and suffers at times and that we are not the only ones.
3. Mindfulness vs Over-identification: taking a balanced approach to our challenges and emotions, without over-identifying with heavy emotions or situations.
Kristen’s research has contributed significantly to understanding the importance of practicing self-compassion in daily life and more so when experiencing mental health challenges. Self-compassion also forms a crucial part of my own therapy model and aims at supporting and empowering clients, by helping them connect and understand their own emotions and situations. A simple activity that I encourage client’s to do is to treat themselves at the end of the day, each day. This can be as simple as listening to some music, having a cuppa or going for a walk. Practice makes one perfect!
So, I invite you to explore self-compassion for yourself and incorporate it in small ways within your daily life. Self-compassion will be the strongest script that you can have for yourself. If you would like to work on further developing your skills, our psychologists at Your Mind Matters will be happy to assist you.
Source: self-compassion.org
This blog was written by Prabha Mishr, psychologist at Your Mind Matters Psychology Services. She works with us 2 days per week (day sessions).
Prabha is passionate about building strong rapport with clients and establishing a collaborative relationship. As a practitioner, her belief is that ‘no one size fits all’ and so uses a combination of psychoeducation and research-based interventions such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and play-based therapy to help support clients to reach their goals.
It’s that time of year again….December! The new year is fast approaching and for many of us, December can be an extremely busy month, catching up with friends and family, and winding up with work for the year. For many, this time of year is associated with getaways and family holidays, however that may not be the case this December. 2020 sure hasn’t been your average year. It’s been filled with many ups and downs, and challenges. For the most part, us Melburnians have spent the year in lockdown and many people felt alone and isolated. As we start to peak our heads out and begin to socialise, we might find ourselves feeling quite overwhelmed and quickly burnt out.
It is important to take a moment to pause and reflect on self-care and how you’re coping. Whilst some may feel obligated to spend every moment socialising, it is important to remember that balance is the key. Here are some tips which I hope you find helpful:
Have a balance. I can understand how busy the holiday season can become. Take a moment to draw up a schedule and make time for socialising with family and friends as well as time for yourself.
Be kind to yourself and focus on your needs. We are all unique. Whilst others may recharge by spending lots of time with family and friends, this isn’t the case for everyone. Really tune into what your body and mind need. This might be some quiet time reading a book, going to the gym, walking along the beach or doing some gardening.
Plan ahead. Although you may not get to go on that family trip, why not organise some day trips in Victoria? We live in such a beautiful city. I am sure there are plenty of little towns that are waiting for you to go and explore.
Don’t feel obligated. For a lot of people, 2020 has been financially taxing. Christmas is one of the most expensive times of the year and often people find themselves feeling obligated to spend big on gifts. This year, try and keep it simple. If this year has taught us anything, it’s the value of good friendship and support. Why not make this a time to come together and enjoy each other’s company? Play some games, have fun. Try and be creative. Make your Christmas gifts or even do some baking. But most importantly focus on what you can do and what isn’t going to lead you to feel financially stretched.
Set goals. Take some time to draw up some goals for the new year. Don’t think of them as resolutions, but more as an opportunity to reflect on what you want to work on. Remember to be true to yourself.
If you are struggling to adjust following the lockdown period and you would like some support, why not give us a call? Our team of psychologists are here to help.
Your Mind Matters Psychology Services will be closed over the holiday season from 23/12/20 and reopening on 14/01/21. If you require support during this time, please contact your GP. There are phone counselling services you can contact including Beyond Blue 1300 22 46 36 and Lifeline 13 11 14. If you require immediate support please call 000 or attend the Emergency Department at your local hospital.
From all of us here at Your Mind Matters, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a safe and prosperous New Year.
This blog was written by Maria Kampantais, psychologist at Your Mind Matters Psychology Services. She works with us 4 days per week (day and evening sessions) and is passionate about working with clients suffering from various anxiety disorders.
As we near the end of another year, we often start to think about our New Years’ resolutions. We reflect on the year that was and what we hope to achieve in 2020.We usually create goals related to work, family, health, holidays, money… which is all well and good however, we often drop the ball within weeks, if not days!
WHY?
Well, lots of reasons. Perhaps the goal you set seems too big to ever possibly achieve and you have become discouraged. Maybe your circumstances were different when you made your goals (head here to learn more about Why NY Resolutions fail: https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/modern-mentality/201812/why-new-years-resolutions-fail), or maybe you aren’t sure of your goals anymore….and this is where a lot of people get stuck.
The question “What do you want? What will make you happy?” can be tricky to answer. Sure, most of us would love to win the lottery and live a life of leisure, or at least a life whereby there is financial freedom to do as we please but let’s be honest, a lottery win is unlikely and also, we know that money doesn’t always equal happiness.
That in mind, let me ask you some questions (you may want to get a pen and some paper):
What would you do if you KNEW you could not fail?
What would you do if you had all the knowledge, courage, and resources you needed?
If you had all the time and money you needed, what would you spend your days doing?
In the last month, when were you the happiest What were you doing? Who were you with? Where were you?
Okay, next step, let’s start thinking about what you can start doing TODAY to move you closer towards the things which bring you fulfilment. Think about each question and start brainstorming. Start off small if you like, and work your way up to bigger things. Our goals are usually achieved through a series of smaller achievements, but when you string them all together, the outcome can be incredible!
You may also need to think about the things which you are doing which are not bringing you happiness, and think about the ways to do less of those things.
Another huge barrier to actively working on your happiness is the age-old excuse “I have no time” (I am also guilty of this!) The harsh reality is, we probably do have time, but we typically end up looking at our screens, doing low-energy tasks like flopping on the couch and doing something to zone out because we are exhausted and want to reward ourselves with some kind of “rest”. But here’s the thing, resting won’t energise you anywhere near as much as working on your happiness, and non-productive rest is unlikely to help you reach your goals.
What I propose is scheduling in time to refocus on your goals. Prioritise this! Find a time at least once a week where you will have time to yourself, interruption free, to refocus and plan some things to do in advance which will move you towards your goals.
Planning is key, otherwise we won’t “find the time”, but really, we just haven’t prioritised it.
So…you know what you need to do.
Go grab a coffee, some pen and paper, answer the questions and start planning you best year yet!
About the author:
This blog was written by Laura Forlani, Director and Clinical Psychologist at Your Mind Matters.
Laura has experience helping adults overcome a wide variety of difficulties such as mood and anxiety disorders, problems arising due to changes in personal circumstances (e.g. family breakdown or a change in career) and has a special interest in helping clients on their journey to becoming parents.
Laura’s approach to therapy involves education, collaboration, and evidence-based interventions such as cognitive-behaviour therapy, skills training, and relaxation strategies.
One of our psychologists has taken the time to put together a batch of her favourite self care resources! The team at YMM loves it and we thought we should share if with you.
Here are some resources on self care and self compassion :
Self-care printable: some questions and ideas that may be helpful when in need of self-care
If you are going through difficulties and need support, why not give us a call today? Our team of highly skilled and well-experienced Psychologists are here to help.
